[This is a long one, there is a TLDR at the bottom]
(This isn't just a story of revenge. This is a story of how revenge hurts both parties)
To this day, a good revenge story gives me a warm bubbly feeling inside. I believe it comes from this college experience years ago when I got revenge on my cheating girlfriend and it felt GOOD. I know I'm not suppose to enjoy it but I can't deny how satisfying it feels. Its probably one of my favorite feelings in the world even though I'm ashamed to admit it. So I decided to write my first post about this because I don't tell the story often. It is so extensive and honestly just makes me look bad.
I'm going to try my best to not paint a picture where my X looks as bad as possible and me as innocent as possible. I want to write this accurately as I can, even if it makes me look bad.
[Bit of context and back story]
At the time of this story, I played division 1 NCAA basketball at a school so I traveled a lot (weekly in different cities and states) and my entire life revolved around this.
During the events of this story I was in the early stages of a horrible drug and alcohol habit. Years after this story I ended up getting sober and joined a program whos name you can find at the front of almost any phonebook. I am sure many people reading this are also sober and will understand how we addicts/alcoholics can be. This story is an effort to explain a character defect that manifested from the events in this story that lead me down a very dark path, however, I don't mean this story to come off in a "self pity" kind of way.
Lastly, I was always a good kid, I was never "troubled". My upbringing was very difficult but I was able to keep an overall kindness in my spirit to other people and almost always "did the right thing" or "took the high road". When it came to dating, I knew people cheated in relationships but at the time of this story I always chalked it up to other people "not doing things the way I did". I never really thought it would happen to me.. I always thought that because I was a "5 star boyfriend" and my "amazing choice" in women, infidelity would never be a part of my dating journey. I was a naïve. I really thought highly of myself and also had a real arrogance like any guy in his early 20s I guess.
[The Build Up]
I was in my Jr year in University I had been single for about a year after me and my high school gf finally broke up after 3 years. I checked that relationship off as my "learning experience" and I now knew what to look for in my next girlfriend. The next woman I chose to have a relationship with I would most likely marry and start my future with. (I know I was young and dumb and thought I knew everything LOL)
I had my eye on this girl at my school [we will call her Lisa]. I saw Lisa around the collegiate athletic facility (the university teams training grounds, and locker rooms). Lisa ran for the track team and was damn good. The various athletic teams often had parties and I knew that the first one I saw her at I would introduce myself and try to chat her up a bit and see where it led.
Soon enough I see Lisa at one of these parties and we pass each other on the stairs. We make eye contact and she smiled at me. I sparked a conversation with her and after going back and forth a bit we exchange numbers. We begin the classic American style of flirting where we constantly just hint things back and forth indirectly. We slowly progressed the relationship in this manner for weeks. Sending texts back and forth hinting that we were interested in each other but also playing it cool to not let the other person know we had a crush on them.
At the time, she was on a break with her current boyfriend who was a popular player on the football team. She ended up leaving him completely to date me. This shoulda been a red flag obviously but remember, I had severe hubris. At the time her leaving him to date me just gave me a superiority complex. I was playing good in sport and if she was willing to leave this guy for me then she will never leave me for another guy.
Lmao I was a fucking idiot.
I cant express how much I was into Lisa. I was addictively attracted to her and had that weird feeling of "I cant believe my crush is actually into me to". I really was so drowned and blinded by my crush on her I missed so many red flags but our relationship began progressing really fast. Because of this I didn't really do a proper inventory on why I liked her so much.
[Fast forward like 8 months later.]
We are together officially. Lisa has her own athlete's dorm room but I was a couple years older than her and was working during the summers full time and part time during school / season and had my own apartment near campus and Lisa was basically living with me. She even would stay there when I was out of town which was like 3 or 4 days of every week because we were in season and the team was flying all over the country. Me and Lisa were deeply in love regardless.
At the end of the season I had planned two massive back to back parties. One was for my teammate's birthday (Friday night) and then my birthday (Saturday night). They just happened to be one day after the other and luckily landed on a Friday and Saturday night. Me and Lisa got drunk Friday night and had some unprotected sex.
Lisa kept a period-tracking calendar app on her phone. She was asleep and I drunkenly remembered she always marked down in her calendar when we had unprotected sex so she knew if she should be worried if she missed her period. She missed her period often because she was an athlete. My inebriated brain thought she should put it in her calendar now because we would forget the next day since we were so fucked up. So I woke her up and said "can you put in that calendar that we had unprotected sex". At this point it was like 5am and we were that 5am kinda drunk where you're mostly just tired. She unlocked her phone and opened the app and before she could even do it she fell back asleep. So I took the phone while it was still unlocked and proceeded to try and figure out how to put it in her calendar myself.
[side note] Through our entire relationship, Lisa went through my computer and phone constantly. She was very insecure and always had her suspicions. I didn't care that she was doing this all the time. She never found anything because I never did shady shit, ever.
Again, looking back at this its an obvious red flag I missed. Remember I thought this girl would never cheat on me.
So this wasn't one of those stories where I went through her phone looking for something and subsequently finding it. In this case I was innocently trying to navigate this damn period calendar while I was drunk and I was not suspicious at all.
When I looked at the period-calendar app on Lisa's phone, I saw all kinds of little markers on different days of each month. Each marker was a different color so I opened one to see what the color coding meant. I saw that red was obviously symbolling her period and then there was also black markers that showed when she had unprotected sex.
........This is when my heart sank into my stomach......
This fucking calendar was PEPPERED with black markers. It looked like a checker board with only a hand full of red pieces left and ALL the fucking black ones..... There was black markers on dates that I was in a different city playing basketball.... I proceeded to open all of black markers going back for our entire relationship. We did not have unprotected sex very often. MAYBE once or twice a month. She had written the names of the guys she had unprotected sex with in the notes section of the black markers. There was a total of 4 guys through out the entirety of our relationship that she allowed to penetrate her raw. Some months there was almost a dozens of those fucking black markers. Sometimes there was TWO in one day! Looking back on this I wonder if there were more unlisted men that I didn't see because she clearly only kept track of the guys and times she had UNPROTECTED sex.
In almost every story I hear of infidelity, it involves the discovery of text messages, being informed by a friend, or the classic coming home early and catching your partner red handed.
I, on the other hand, discovered a fucking well documented LEDGER of almost every time she cheated and had unprotected sex.
Amongst the 4 guys I discovered, one of them was her X that she originally left to date me. Cheating on me with him was a common occurrence. There was some other unkown guy she was also clearly sleeping with him regularly. The last 2 fellas looked to be just a one time thing but again like I said these markers were just the times she had sex without a condom. So who knows what the true story was there.
I sobered up real quick. I proceeded to look through Lisa's texts and calls and found nothing. However, at the time Android phones had a folder where you can see deleted texts but not the contents of the messages. She had THOUSANDS of deleted texts and calls but I couldn't see what they said but I saw the numbers and did a quick Facebook search and matched one with her X in addition to something like half a dozen other random dudes. The worst part was I found TWO of my teammates... one guy I was actually pretty close with.
I just put the phone down after a few minutes. The evidence was overwhelming. The more it seemed to look at the phone the more my insides began to hurt.
I felt so defeated. I cant fully describe the feeling but I'm sure anyone reading this that caught a significant other cheating knows what I'm talking about. I felt so stupid for trusting her and having no suspicions of her.
I couldn't stop thinking about how I regretted all the times that I had an "opportunity" to cheat and remained faithful to Lisa. I felt like and idiot for not cheating her when I could have. My loyalty felt like a waste. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrelevant to the fact that she was unfaithful. I think I obsessed over that because if I had cheated as well I wouldn't have hurt so much in that moment. All I could think about was about how much I was hurt. I would do anything to not feel the pain and embarrassment anymore.
[Question] Am I the only one who thought this way after catching their partner cheating? I'm curious about this.
I proceeded to leave my apartment and go for a long walk. I had never felt the emotions that were coming up and didn't know how to process them. My ego felt like it was literally dismantled in front of me. I wasn't sure what to do and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. My sadness quickly turned to anger. I knew I was gunna get my revenge I just didn't know how yet.
I was SEETHING with rage and wanted make sure she never recovered from this.
My roommate/teammate and best friend at the who was sleeping on the couch in my living room [we will call him Bono] (an eastern European kid who stood 7 foot tall and was as Russian in demeanor as it you can imagine. He also had an equally ridiculous RL name hence: Bono) well, Bono called me shortly after I started my walk. I answered and he asked where I was. I asked him to keep this between us, and told him what happened. He stays on the phone and goes into my room and I hear him in his Russian accent yell at her "yo bitch, you cheated on OP?" Then I faintly hear her inaudibly say something in the background and him yelling at her to get out of the apartment. After hearing some scuffling Bono gets back on the line and says "yo! she gone, come back and lets talk"
I head back home and me and Bono go over what had happened. Things don't get sappy because we are both complete alpha males who both come from cultures where "men don't cry" and neither of us really knew what to say or do in this situation. He makes his best attempt to comfort me and says: "tonight is your birthday, we gunna get fucked up and find you some sluts. Fuck her! I never liked her anyway"
.... oh ya, this day was my birthday... forgot about that part ...
Me and Bono go out for breakfast. I am still a little drunk. My phone is blowing up with calls and texts from Lisa. I tell her I saw everything on her phone and I cant stand to speak with her or look at her. She keeps trying to convince me to let her come to my birthday party and I make it clear I don't want her there. She clearly was concerned about exactly what Bono suggested to me earlier when me and him chatted.
Lisa's entire reputation and popularity revolved around the fact that she was dating me. I think most people didn't like her in the first place but put up with her because we were together. She knew that if I acted single at my birthday party and she didn't show up everyone would know something was askew. I think Lisa was more worried about being embarrassed than our relationship.
I don't remember much of what happened that night. But one of my friends sent me a little package for my birthday from California filled with some really good weed, hash, moonrocks, some pills and "the devil's dandruff" and I proceeded to do a glorious swan dive into an intoxicated oblivion.
All I remember is sitting on my chair at the pregame for my party. There was two girls sitting on the arms of the chair and I still have a photo of that moment and I remember it vividly. We were preparing to head out. I had a few tables downtown at a popular nightclub. The booze and drugs were the only thing that made me feel normal. I had my sun glasses on and clearly had that happy loaded grin on my face. The longer you look at the photo of me on that chair, you can tell I'm hiding a huge amount of hurt.
Sitting on that chair, the cocktail of drugs start to take effect. This was the first time I ever used substances not to "party" but to feel better. To make me feel normal.
I remember thinking: "I want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am never going to hurt like that ever again. With drugs, I have control and no one can hurt me again." Oh how ironic that turns out to be years down the line.
I told my teammates and friends that me and Lisa were done when they asked why she wasn't at the party. I didn't tell them why though. I also didn't show them that I was affected by it in anyway and just played it cool. I tried to focus everyone on the party ahead of us.
[The Revenge]
So this is one of those revenge stories where it was only half planned. I knew I wanted to get revenge on Lisa for hurting me so much. But I kind of just improvised as opportunities came up.
My original kind spirit had died at my birthday on that chair. All my morals went out the window. I never cheated in relationships therefore I believed I would never get cheated on. I realize now how dumb that is but that's what I thought at the time.
I didn't care what collateral damage I caused as long as my mission to hurt Lisa as much as possible was accomplished. So continued every day of my life with this new selfish mindset.
I was sitting at my computer later that next week skimming Facebook when I saw the profile of one of her track teammates on my feed. That's when I had my first vengeful idea. I decided I was going to attempt to get her teammates to bite the bait that I was about to cast out into the water. Though, I didn't have proof she hooked up with my teammates, she was clearly trying to hide conversations between them. So I was going to see how many people who are close to here I could "passionately hug". Luckily I had more options than she had when cheating on me. A women's track team is much larger than a men's basketball team. Also much better looking ;)
Lisa's teammate I originally spotted on my Facebook had a boyfriend but I thought: "clearly everyone cheats, lets see if its true". I proceed to do the little flirty social media dance with her. You know, the one where I like a couple of her photos, she likes a couple of mine back. I shoot her a message and BAM! shes at my house in my bed about a week later. I proceed to do something similar to other teammates of hers. All on her 4x4 relay team coincidentally.
2 of the 3 girls I "passionately hugged" had boyfriends and subsequently cheated on them with me which gave me some real mixed emotions. It stroked my broken ego and also made me bitter and sad. Giving me one of those "women aint shit! none of them are loyal" attitudes.
This is such a typical story of while fighting monsters I became a monster.
This actually became my go-to strategy because it accomplished two things in my fucked up mind. It exposed a cheater but more importantly if they were willing to cheat on their boyfriends they would:
A] be more secretive about it which meant the drama that would ensue when it came out would be elevated and
B] it made me feel better about Lisa cheating because it proved it wasn't me that was the problem. It was women that were the problem. (I know its fucked up but that's what I thought back then.)
I started to collect something from every girl that I hooked up with, like a bra, a pair of panties, or some jewelry etc.. (not for some creepy reason, but this is important later and was a part of my plan) Sometimes I didn't even have to try. One girl left a pair of very distinguishable shoes. I knew Lisa would know who's shoes they were. They belonged to the girl that Lisa's X boyfriend rebounded with after Lisa and him broke up which highly upset her because it was her friend. Now it would upset her more because that same girl slept with both of her X boyfriends. I especially tried to collect items if it was something that I knew Lisa could distinguish like a sweater from the women's track team with her teammates name on it. After some time I had collected a boatload of shit.
After a couple months or so, one of the Lisa's teammate's boyfriends found out about me and his girlfriend and it started a big beautiful dramatic explosion of series of events with her and her teammates. This led to all of them finding out about one another's promiscuity. The drama was MASSIVE. Even their coaches had to get involved it got so bad.
This made me feel so powerful in such and evil yet satisfying way. I fell in love with the destruction I was causing. (The most awesome part about all of it was that same week, the Athletics PR team had put massive posters of me all over campus promoting the next game. They were EVERYWHERE. Some of the posters took up the entire side of buildings) So Lisa and her friends had to see me all over campus every day while this drama was erupting all around them. I felt like a triumphant dictator. It was glorious and pathetic at the same time.
Their coach even proceeded to have a "serious" meeting with the compliance department and my team's coaches. My coaches literally laughed at her saying "this seems like and internal issue, but OP hasn't done anything illegal or broken any school policy so there is nothing we can do". This infuriated the women's track coach. Their team had fallen apart. Their national ranking began to plummet. Then Lisa's coach even got in trouble for being caught tearing down some of the smaller posters of me on campus in raging temper tantrum.
I loved all of it.
I continued to add fuel to the fire. Posting photos of me with girls, smiling, being happy every chance I could on Facebook and Instagram. But under it all, I was bitter. I was so deep into my new mindset I had already forgotten the kind hearted naïve kid I use to be. I hated my old self because I let some girl emasculate me. I was so full of self pity looking back it, its depressing. No one really knew though because I played the cool guy attitude in front of people.
There was even a girl on campus on one of the sports teams who claimed that she was pregnant with my kid after I pretended to like her the same way I did with all of the other girls on Lisa's team and soon as we "passionately hugged" I moved on. Its a long story, but it turned out she wasn't pregnant but the news or "press" that came from that further dug the knife deeper into Lisa's side. I left a trail of women I deceived and relationships I destroyed. I feel bad now but at the time I didn't care because they were equally at fault in my eyes since they were cheating on their boyfriends or sleeping with their friends X.
Quickly, girls became weary of me. Plus I was running out of "potential targets" (Fuck I was an awful human being then the way I was thinking) and I was going after girls that weren't even friends or on the track team with Lisa but were just around her in daily life. For example her classmates and as well as her own family. I even flirted with her sister who was married with a kid and I almost succeeded. She was down but her and Lisa's dad found out about it and stepped in and put a stop it all before we could do anything. Her sister was ostracized as the news spread within the family.
I wanted Lisa to know I was everywhere and constantly remind her how she fucked up. In my eyes this was all her fault and she unleashed this fury of chaos upon herself. She should never have fucked with me like that.
Lisa had to take an extended medical leave because of her depression and mental health issues she was experiencing from the whole situation. She was becoming suicidal. She even had to go on medication and lost TONS of weight. She began to look extremely unhealthy. The whole mess was torturing her and the more she hurt the better I felt. At this point I had already inflicted more damage than she did to me but I had become addicted to the feeling of power... I spent 0 time processing my own emotions or moving on from what happened. All I wanted was more revenge and I couldn't stop.
After weeks of ignoring Lisa's texts and calls she finally gets a hold of me by showing up to my apartment unannounced late at night. She was there to pick up some stuff she left from when she lived there to take home. She was actually a local and her parents lived close by. (She was still on her medical leave and no longer staying on campus but rather with her parents) I told her I would bring her stuff to her parents house that weekend but I couldn't let her in because I had "company". Which I did but it wasn't one of her teammates or friends unfortunately.
I then to take all the items I had collected from all the girls over the weeks. There was probably like 8 or 9 things from different girls including her teammates and threw their belongings in along with Lisa's stuff into big black trash bags. I took the bags to her house and then called Lisa's dad. I told him I left her stuff on his porch and to inform his demon daughter. Me and Lisa's dad actually really got along and he even took my side after Lisa and I broke up. But after all these events transpired he obviously had a negative opinion of me.
15 minutes after I get off the phone with her Lisa's dad, I get a call from Lisa. I answer because I want to hear her reaction to having all these other girls shit mixed in with hers. She was sobbing uncontrollably. It sounded like that half crying half mumbling thing people do when they are hysterical. She wasn't even angry, just desperately begging me to point to stop my tyranny.
I just smiled and baked in the glory of hearing her hurt. I responded "why were their other guys in our relationship? you mixed them into our relationship like I mixed other girls shit into your shit. Its perfect little ironic metaphor". I thought it sounded cool at the time and was real proud of myself. (*facepalm*)
I later found out from one of Lisa's friends (who knew she was cheating on me during our relationship) that Lisa was convinced I WAS THE ONE cheating on her because "I was always out of town." This doesn't make sense since I was out of town because of basketball, a very legit excuse. Not just randomly on my own accord. You could literally see my schedule on the school's website. I kept in contact with her constantly when I was gone but obviously when I had practice or team meetings I couldn't be on my phone. But she didn't have the logic in her brain to figure this out I guess. I assume its just an excuse she made to protect her insecurities about the whole fiasco or to keep face with people who knew she was cheating.
[months go by]
Lisa comes back to school from her medical leave and we bump into each other at the physical therapy center in our athlete facility building. I see this as yet another opportunity. It had been a while since I did something that hurt her and I was still hungry for more vengeance. I proceed to pretend like I want to rekindle things with her. She is cautious at first but eventually bites after about a week. We start to mend our "relationship". We proceed for about a month but I wouldn't call this a relationship. I forbid her to have any male friends nor is she allowed to go out and party with her girlfriends. I also need full access to all her accounts and her location at all times. It was more like a hostage situation. It gave me a sense of control.
Meanwhile I'm not being faithful at all. This was my plan all along. Finally, she finds out about me sleeping with a girl in one of her classes and we have a nasty "breakup". I told her that she literally knows what it felt like to be me when we last dated. Yet again, I felt Triumphant. It was just another chance to hurt her and I did.
[After this we don't speak for YEARS.]
I graduate university and move to Central America. She messages me while I'm there about a year after I moved and about 2 years after we last spoke. At this point my life has become that of a real degenerate. I was doing copious amounts of drugs on a daily basis and about 75% of my life was involved in some sort of illegal or nefarious activities. But I still blame her for me becoming the dark soul that I was and taking no responsibility for bitter immoral nature. I hadn't had another relationship since her and always had trouble because I couldn't trust a women in any capacity anymore. Even after years had passed, I saw this instance of her messaging me as yet another opportunity to hurt her.
We begin to talk as friends and even getting flirty with each other over Facebook messenger. Mind you there is literally many countries, states and an ocean between us at this point. I was planning a trip back to my old university to visit some friends. However I told her was different: I explained to her I was moving back to the city for a new job I was just offered. We decide to meet up when I get back and see if there is anything worth saving between us. I had put on my best acting hat and try to seem like I've put our past behind us. However I'm just as vengeful now as I was years ago. She's finishing up her last year at University and I make the trip back to the USA.
I meet Lisa at a coffee shop when I arrive.. We spend the entire night together. From her point of view it really looks like we had moved past our differences and what happened. We could actually work things out.
However I'm not moving back obviously like I told her. I am only stay 2 nights. She doesn't know this. After hooking up a few times and spending 2 days together, without mentioning anything to her about me leaving, I pack my things and get back on a plane back to Central America.
I blocked her on all my social media and communication outlets. This time I could only fantasize about what happened to her when I disappeared after she thought I had moved back and supposedly was ready to give our relationship another try. This time however it wasn't as satisfying as my previous plots of revenge.
My drug habit and lifestyle only got worse every year. 3 years later I was hospitalized and almost died because of my extended drug use. I was never sober a full 24 hours after that day that went through that fucking period calendar.
[Looking back]
As much pain as I might have caused her with my vengeful life, my new identity that consumed my old one was so tainted with a dark spirit at heart. I think I honestly did more harm to myself with my actions and led me to down the road where I had no morals anymore. Though I spent the entirety of this story telling everyone of how I kept getting revenge at my X for cheating on me, as satisfying as it was, I wish I would have spent an equal amount of energy healing myself from the incident. If anyone reading this is experiencing the pain that comes with cheating, a good revenge story can bring you some satisfaction but I hope you don't make the same mistake I did. Rather spend MORE time healing yourself from the hurt and moving past it. The revenge wont heal you. It will be a separate journey but could distract you from putting yourself back together.
Luckily I got sober and am sober now 4+ years. I even had another girl friend of 2 years cheat on me before I got sober but this time I didn't take revenge. I spent my time healing. I changed and only focused on myself and that was way more satisfying than the revenge I got on Lisa for cheating on me.
Now I'm married almost 2 years to a woman who is sober and man do I have a good life. I have a dream job and a dream marriage. Thank you everyone who read this. Sorry if it wasn't well written I never write like this but I have never told the full story in detail before and I got a lot out of writing it.
Mostly what I hope to get from this is to share my experiences doing horrible things but feeling an immense satisfying feel from it where its almost addictive. And morphing from generally a good person to a relatively dark evil one.. Obviously people have dark moments but I feel like my personality and psyche has never been the same since that experience. I'm looking forward to any responses to the people willing to read this shit.
[written by commenter] TLDR: OP dated a woman a few years younger than him in college, Lisa. Lisa kept a period tracker and kept when she had unprotected sex, while documenting their sex for gf who had fallen asleep, OP saw she had been having unprotected sex with at least 4 dudes since they had been dating. OPs roommate kicked her out. OP decided to get revenge. This started with fucking all 3 of her relay partners (track team) which eventually led to the team crashing. They also had bfs, so OP used this as fuel to say that women are the problem, not him. At this time OP starts going down the rabbit hole with drugs and alcohol. This continued on for a long time, and OP started keeping an item from women that would be identifiable to Lisa for his plan. He would purposely “target” (own words) girls close to Lisa so drama would be worse, and he would have more ammunition to hurt her. Lisa took a mental health break from depression, and came to OPs house asking for her stuff back. He brought it to her parents and put all the items he had been collecting. She called him crying and he reveled in it. Months later, they run into each other at PT and he convinces her to give it another shot, knowing its a game. Knowingly holds her “hostage,” no guy friends, no parties, no going out, all while cheating. They eventually break up. Years later, OP is contacted by Lisa and says hes moving back to their country for a job. (IRL hes going for a 2 day visit) and basically catfishes her into trying to date him again, they meet up and hang out the whole time. He then packs up and leaves without a word to hurt her again. After this OP goes down a bad road with drugs and alcohol, ends up in the hospital, and has another Gf cheat on him. He did not take revenge on her. OP is now married, and has a good job and has (presumably) been clean. He is also aware of how toxic it all is. I think that’s everything

The hosts say that his proposal made them teary.

• Zac says he appreciates that. And that the proposal was very heartfelt.

Asked to expand on his story of addiction and recovery.

• People got to see him through their TVs. But one of the things he was proud of was that he could be authentic and be himself. And he credits that as a direct result of recovery.
• Those who know him know that he is not ashamed to talk about and share his story.
• “I am aware of the fact that everything in my life stems off of my journey and what I had to do to get to where I am today.”
• He has dedicated his life to helping others and is extremely passionate about it. He didn’t know this was his calling until he got sober.
• He has always loved human connection and even when he was partying, he was the guy who made sure everyone had their drinks and was okay.

First notice of the addiction being a problem.

• He starts by saying that people in recovery are not handicapped. They can do everything other people are able to do. There is a stigma which says otherwise. But he mentions that recovery is almost like a superpower.
• Addiction does not discriminate.
• He grew up with two badass parents who taught him the value of money and how to respect people amidst other things, an older brother who loved him and two sisters who were angels. He had a normal upbringing in a house with a white picket fence.
• While in high school at a Christmas party, some older guys handed him a beer and he ran back to the party crying and complained to his parents about them.
• He had a year to think about taking that first drink. And by the next year, he was ready to take that step. And he started lying almost immediately.
• Lied to his parents about where he was. “The next day I still opened presents and what I got from it was that I could lie and get away with it. And that continued for the next 15 years, till I got 27.”
• Lying is a big part of substance abuse and alcoholism because the people around want to believe in you. No one wants to get caught and hence they turn to lying.
• The drinking behind the garage became like his secret and once school started, he thought it was his social responsibility to be the head of the party & get everyone what they wanted.
• He knew from a young age that his fantasies with drinks was going to land him in trouble.
• He played three sports – football, basketball, baseball – in high school, had a lot of cool opportunities his way, starting kissing girls for the first time…and yet all he cared about was drinking on Fridays and weekends.
• Nothing else mattered after that drink was with him. He felt panicked in the absence of drinks.
• Loved high school because it got him guys who were doing the same thing. Says that in his senior year if anyone had picked any of his 15 friends and said they needed help, it wouldn’t be a lie.
• The way they were drinking wasn’t normal. But today everyone is at a better place.
• Says he struggles dealing with casefiles of teenagers now. Understands how difficult it is for parents. Doesn’t know the solution and what to tell them – do they push the guys into recovery or let them grow out of the phase?

Challenging part about working in recovery.

• Every case is different. He had to hit rock bottom to survive today but some of his friends went into college and grew out of the alcohol phase.
• When someone has a disease like cancer or diabetes, there is a set procedure to follow in order to get better. For recovery from addiction, that is not the case.
• When the host talks about her family member returning from rehab, Zac cheers her on and says every person who has been through that process needs to be applauded.
• When people ask him if staying in the Bachelorette environment was difficult, he laughs and says he could have done it in his sleep because he had been in rehab for 4.5 months.

Family’s importance and that dynamics.

• The families are the unsung heroes in most cases. It’s always tough on the families the most.
• Though it sounds gimmicky, love can help people get out of addiction and through recovery. Continued support to help loved ones through this can save a life.
• Doesn’t appreciate putting 14-15 yr olds in handcuff during interventions because the trauma associated with that goes a long way. And is often times more than the trauma endured afteduring recovery.
• Has had to do quite a lot of adolescent interventions. Has to deal with adoptive parents, divorced parents, 2 or 3 sets of parents, etc.

His experience and his family.

• Studied Sports management at York College. Met his ex-wife in his sophomore year and in his head he thought he would graduate and do life the normal way. Wanted to have a family like he had while growing up.
• “She ended up saving my life. I can safely say that today. She is a wonderful human and I don't have one bad thing to say about her.”
• But she was a part of the puzzle that he was using as a front so that no one would question his addiction. And for the longest time he did a good job at hiding, lying and being the life of the party. Everyone wanted to celebrate his success.
• But when he was working his first job, he rented a house with his college buddies on the shore and suddenly felt dizzy in the car. Saw kaleidoscope every time he closed his eyes. Got it checked at the X-ray place right next to where they were, turned out to be a brain tumour, got it operated the next day.
• Completely fine today. But during the 20+ days he was in the hospital for the surgery, he was never alone. His family was always there – at least one member, at all times.
• “If love could get me sober, I would have gotten sober in that moment. But it didn’t.”
• He couldn’t wait to go out and party again. But also started loving the pain meds that the nurses were pushing into him. Thought no one would say anything to him because he was a hero who had survived a tumour.
• Had the biggest wedding. Held everyone in his life as hostages as he continued to push things into himself. “I am a lovable guy and so people continued to turn their heads away from my bullshit.”

Definition of hitting a rock bottom.

• There is no straightforward answer to that.
• Has seen 16-year-olds smoking pot. Marijuana is probably one of the biggest issues and that is continuing to build.
• Dealt with guys who have been 20 years sober and also with people who have been to rehab 30/35 times & it still wasn’t enough.
• No one has the answer.
• Personal experience: Was sleeping on the streets. Not because he had nowhere to go, but because he was running away from people.
• Went to rehab the first time and relapsed within five days. His wife left and that still wasn’t enough for him to sober up.
• In addition to everything, he was gambling. He owed money to a bookie and he convinced his dad to pay that debt (not telling him the real reason).
• Through everything, he still managed to keep up a front with the perfect house with the wife and cars, car drives and dogs…
• One day when his mom and ex-wife were out for drinks, one of his friends outed him to them and told them how bad his problem was.
• His mom came back immediately and questioned him. He had seen a billboard of a treatment facility and drove himself to it. Was their first drive-in client. Stayed there for 28 days (first rehab). Did everything he was asked to do. But he was full of shit.
• At the back of their minds, everyone knew his issues but no one said anything until that one friend stood up.
• His wife was given a set of tools to detect if he ever relapsed, and as soon as he brought drugs into the house, she caught him.
• “And thank God for her that she kept that boundary. She peaced out and she called her dad. He came and got her. That was the last time I was in that house. Props to her because she listened, and she saved my life. She decided she was done but I had to go on for another eight months to hit that rock bottom.”
• It got dark in those moments.
• His ex-wife was the first person who stopped him from partying. It wasn’t malicious but was filled with a lot of love. With tears in her eyes, she had informed him that she couldn’t do that life anymore.
• A first couple of weeks into rehab, Zac blamed his ex-wife for everything. He wanted to place the blame on her even after a year.
• Eventually, recovery taught him to be accountable. He has learnt to evaluate everything along with his behaviour and look at where he is being selfish or dishonest. And he has learnt that he cannot control others, and can only manage with he is doing.
• His story can make it into a book because he lived a very gnarly life. He accustomed himself to being on the streets, knew the exact neighbourhoods which could get what he needed, dealt with people who would give him the drugs, and got his gall bladder cut out to get the pain meds.

Sobriety

• NYC was his do-over. Which is why he loves it so much and preferred to show his NYC life to Tayshia on the show.
• On his first days of being in NY, his mentor (who helped him become sober) told him to find three guys that he could trust and have a relationship with. It was the best advice because it allowed him to get into the sober community and meet people who were doing better while being like him.
• His theory about recovery changed from people thinking how shit life was to doing great things in life, once he got sober.
• He realized that sobriety allowed him to look people in the eye, admit when he is wrong, and show up whenever needed. That is what he wanted Tayshia to know.
• He thinks he is a reflection of the recovery community and doesn’t want to deliberately make mistakes and get people to think recovering addicts cannot do certain things. Or be named irresponsible.
• Asked if Recovery or sobriety is stressful, he answers before the question ends, “No”. Having his mom crying and not knowing where he was when he was shooting drugs, or thinking about how to get the drugs in the past was stressful.
• “Having to tell the truth and show up, I feel more. But it’s not stressful.”
• He thinks humility and compassion can take people a long way.

Release Recovery and his work.

• It is a family and they try to make recovery fun.
• His best friend, who majored in social works and had a similar journey with addiction, Justin co-founded this organization in 2017. Three facilities – 2 for men and 1 for women above 18 years. 40 beds in total.
• He hates calling it a business but understands that it is one, at the end of the day.
• Works into sober living and getting the recovered people back into the real life & transition into regular life. The program is for three months.
• Has had clients from 82-year men to teenagers with them.
• At Release, they create the home environment and meals are a big deal to everyone there. Family dinner times and positive conversations are a part of this unit.
• Justin and Zac do a lot of consultation, helping and guiding people recognize and deal with loved ones or themselves suffering from addiction.
• Recovery takes a lot of money and it’s difficult for the underprivileged to seek help.
• So, he has started the foundation where they are running marathons and selling t-shirts and raising money to fund those who do not have the ability to spend thousands of recoveries.
• Women and POC are not treated right in the treatment community. Not many cater to these demographics and all the proceeds from his foundation are heading to help them.
• Healthcare system right now sucks. There are very few government aides which can help underprivileged. But it’s not enough.
• They try to call places and help leasing out beds to people whenever they can but not all states have equal facilities and “it sucks”.
• “We need to do something more.”
• Plugs shatterproof.
• “Everyone who needs treatment… deserves that.”

Recovery and life in general

• Story telling and sharing everyone’s stories is important. Since COVID, recovering addicts have not been able to go to in-person recovery meetings, and that has harmed a lot. Connecting with others with the same experience is necessary and a lot of addicts have found it hard to get clean since last March. Because they do not have that community.
• Had to break a lot of habits, get connected with the recovery community, stopped thinking what might not look cool, and started to hang out with new people who had a similar experience to get through the initial recovery phase. See a therapist is his answer to some people.
• The first 6-12 months are tough but if you are mentally tough with a strong & loving family next to you…one can pull through. “I am living proof of that. But you have to have people who know what is going on with you.”
• People usually do not ask him what is in his glass when he attends events. On rare occasions that happens. But usually, it’s people projecting their insecurities or someone looking to have a drink with him that asks him that question.
• Has always been open with people he has dated. Like with Tayshia on the show. He wouldn’t pursue that relationship if she was not okay with his past.
• That confidence and self-belief is a long journey he has had to get through to.
• People have written to him since being back from the show, and he has tried to write & answer everyone back.
• A lot of people and family members have reached out to him with their stories of themselves or loved ones. Some who were lucky, some who weren’t. Tries to get in touch with everyone and send a message. Those stories keep him going and get him to try and help more people.
• Reiterated how his family stood by him for 4.5 months for him to get his act together when they put on a brave face & faced life head on, while obsessing how he was doing. It is not fair on families.
• The support groups in the form of the families are heroes in his eyes. They are lifesavers and the ones who truly deserve all the praise.
• “When you say, ‘I love you’ to someone who is black out drunk, putting that energy out into the world…that person hears you whether you want to know it or not.”
• He mentions that even if one person listened to the podcast and got help from it, it was a job well done for him. Appreciates the hosts (and mentions certain episodes in passing which give the impression that he researched the podcast before coming on) for spreading awareness.

WHAT A GUY!!!
Very rarely do you hear someone who is so self-aware, kind, humble and eloquent.
Please listen to this because the hosts were amazing too. They let him speak and he didn't hold back.

Note: I was technically supposed to post this earlier this week, but noticed that no one was signed up for today (plus I was super busy earlier), so I'm posting a bit late, under a throwaway account! Fair warning: I'm VERY verbose, so this will be long!
Section One: Assets and Debt
As I mentioned above, I make $56k per year as an administrator in higher education. My husband (K) just got a raise to making $155k per year. He works as a lawyer, has been in the workforce for about 12 years. I won't get into too many details but he works for a small boutique firm, not Biglaw. He also sometimes gets a yearly bonus of around $10k-20k but it's not guaranteed or anything like that. K and I have totally combined finances, so the below numbers are for both of us. I have a humanities PhD but I decided to leave academia and find an alt-ac job. My current position has good work-life balance (I never work past 5 pm), but pays terribly and my university is very badly run. I'm hoping to leave higher education all together in the future and am currently enrolled in a certificate program to try to make a career transition to instructional design.
The big elephant in the room is that my husband, K, makes a lot more money than me. When we first met, he was paying off massive amounts of student loans and making much less, and I was debt free with a lot of savings, so we both spent about the same amount. Now he makes 3x what I make and we are both debt-free, so the difference is much more noticeable. We do argue about money sometimes (more in the past), but the reality is that I have a humanities PhD and will likely never out earn him, and he knew that when I married him, lol. Because of all the labor I do around the house and in our lives to support him as he works a much more intense job, I was very clear that I believed we should split our finances equally as soon as we got married. We don't have separate accounts and we generally check in with one another whenever we are planning to spend more than $100. This system works for us for now.
I also want to address the question about parental or family support. Although I technically paid all of my own bills since I got my Bachelor's degree, my parents supported me a lot by paying for my flights home to visit at Christmas or in the summer as Xmas presents/birthday presents. My parents also paid for my undergraduate degree (and K's parents paid for his undergraduate degree as well). They also gave us about $15k to pay for our wedding.
Finally, my parents recently gave me $20k as an "early inheritance." They told me they plan to do this every year (depending on the stock market). We put this money into a brokerage. I don't consider my parents rich, as they both worked hourly jobs in health care my entire life (as a nurse and respiratory therapist - both with only associate's degrees). We never owned a new car, when we went on vacation we stayed in hostels , and shopped almost exclusively at Goodwill. But they scrimped and saved and now they have over $1 million in a retirement account. So I want to acknowledge my financial privilege in that I came from this kind of background. K's parents are similar.
Retirement Balance: $186k (combination of 401k, 403b, 457, 2 Roth IRAs, and taxable brokerage account).
Equity: None, we rent.
Savings account balance: Approximately $45k.
Checking account balance: Right now, around 8k.
Credit card debt: Right now, around $3k. But we pay it off each month with our checking account balance.
Student loan debt: $0. We finally paid off my husband’s law school loans (around $130k), last year. I didn’t have any student loans from undergrad (parents paid) and my MA & PhD were fully funded.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I’ve been working in my current field for 3 years. I started off making about $53k and got tiny 2% “merit increases” twice. Then in July my payroll title was changed, which triggered a required raise of about $2k. (I am dramatically underpaid).
Before my current position, I was in academia. I worked as a visiting assistant professor for one year at my alma mater (made $50k for 9 months of work) and before that I was a graduate student for 7 years. I was paid $18k-21k in stipends each year and my tuition & benefits were covered. Luckily, I lived in a very low cost of living area and this was enough for me to live on without going into debt. I got my PhD in 2017. Before I was a graduate student, I taught English in Japan for three years and made around $36k per year. In high school and college, I had random jobs that provided grocery/spending money, but I was lucky enough to have parents that paid my tuition and my rent in college.
I’m currently trying to make a career change (as you will see in my diary) and enrolled in a certificate program which runs from Autumn 2020 to Spring 2021 in order to help with that.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $7,634. This probably seems low relative to our joint income, but we max out our 401k (K) and 403b (me). I work for the state government, which means I’m also eligible for something called a Deferred Compensation Plan (457b). This is basically the same as a 401k but you can withdraw contributions and gains from the account at any age without penalty (of course, you still have to pay taxes). I also max this out, and the limit is the same as a 401k/403b - $19.5k. Also this number is before K’s raise is accounted for. It won’t increase until his end of February paycheck.
Other deductions - I have health insurance taken out (about $80 a month for me, K’s firm covers his premiums) and taxes. WA has no state taxes, so it’s only federal taxes. I used to have to pay $50 / month for a bus pass (K's was free), but I don’t pay any longer because I’m working from home during COVID.
Final note - the sum I mentioned in the headline includes a variable bonus my husband gets. My base pay is $56k and his is $155k (as of February 1). This year he also got a bonus of $20k, which is set up a bit strangely. About $4k of this was structured as a 3% matching contribution to his 401k and the rest was taxable income. In small law firms, it’s unusual to get any 401k match so this was nice.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: None.
Any Other Monthly Income Here: We get some interest from our savings account… like $25 a month.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: Rent comes to approximately $2,050 total for a one-bedroom apartment. Rent itself is $1886, then we have pet rent ($25 per month), bicycle parking ($15 a month) and water / sewage / gas, which is usually $120-150 (variable cost).
Renters insurance: $157.76, paid annually. $13 a month.
Retirement contribution: In addition to the 401k, 403b, and 457, which all come out before taxes, we max out our Roth IRAs. That means $500 each per month per person (for a yearly total of $6k each). As I noted up top, we match out our 401k and 403b (19,500 each) and our 457. My employee also offers a 7.5% match. K's employee offers a 3% match but it is included in his yearly bonus so it's not guaranteed (confusing).
Savings contribution: We put $500 per month into our emergency fund. We also put about $860 a month into our “sinking fund,” which covers large and small annual or sporadic purchases such as vacations, gifts, Amazon Prime renewal, car insurance and renters insurance, etc.
Investment contribution: $875 per month into a taxable brokerage at Vanguard.
In total, we save about 47% of our gross income. We can do this because we keep our housing cost low relative to our high income, we don’t have any debt remaining, we don’t have any kids or parents who need financial support, and we’re very privileged in a lot of ways. We are hoping to FIRE within 10 years.
Debt payments: None.
Donations: We budget $100 per month for donations, which includes one-time donations as well as some reoccurring donations. My husband does pro bono work as well. I would like to increase this by quite a bit, but I still have a hard time budgeting for donations because I spent 7 years living on approximately $20k a year. To go from that to making more than 10x that amount within 3-4 years is obviously something that I am very privileged for, but it is still hard for me emotionally to comprehend at times.
Electric: ~$50-100 (billed every other month)
Wifi/Cable/Landline: An extortionate $87.12 for slow internet that only works for Zoom calls about half the time. Do I really live in one of the tech cities of the future?
Cellphone: $170 (This includes both service and paying off two new iPhones. We could have paid them off up front, but it was actually cheaper by like $50 to go on a payment plan.)
Subscriptions: BritBox ($7.70), Spotify ($16.50), HBOMax ($16.50), We Hate Movies Patreon (my favorite podcast - $8.81). My parents pay for Netflix and my sister pays for Hulu, and we all share.
Gym membership: None. K and I both run and do yoga with YouTube videos. Before the pandemic, we went to yoga classes pretty frequently in person. I’d like to do some online synchronous yoga classes but find it hard to make time.
Pet expenses: Varies, but I budget $50 per month and also include an emergency fund for my cat’s vet bills in our sinking fund. She’s 11 years old and probably asthmatic, so I know her vet bills are going to increase over time.
Car payment / insurance: We own our car outright. Insurance billed yearly is $2,097, about $174 per month.
Regular therapy: $0
Paid hobbies: Nothing regular, sporadic language classes and art supplies.
Other expenses: Right now I’m doing a certificate to hopefully help with a career change. The total cost for tuition is about $5k and we already saved it up (included in our 'sinking fund') basically through spending less during the pandemic. I’ve paid two quarters so far, and the last quarter (due in March) will be a bit more - about $2.3k.
__________
Day 1
Morning: I wake up at 5:30 am. Ever since the pandemic, my sleep schedule has been shot. At first, I was so happy not to have to leave the house at 7:15 for my 45 minute bus commute and I slept in a lot. But the stress (and maybe getting old?) has made me an early riser, no matter how much I try to sleep in. I do value my early mornings with just me, my cat, and my coffee, though.
I start work at 8 am and begin by triaging my emails. I have a bunch of deadlines this week, so it’s busier than usual. My job tends to be very seasonal, and sometimes I have a ton of work and sometimes I have none and can work on other longer-term projects. I have a piece of toast for breakfast and place a Whole Foods delivery order for the following day at 10:30 am. We made a meal plan and put everything in the cart the day before ($117.36, including tip).
Afternoon: I have my lunch break from noon to 1 pm. It doesn’t really matter when I take my lunch break, since I’m salaried, but the others in my office are hourly so in the before times we used to always close our office during the same time. I have a piece of leftover delivery pizza and some spinach risotto that I made a few days earlier. I also have half a brownie – the last one from a batch I made a few days ago (K gets the other half). He also has leftovers for lunch.
I should say at this point that both K and I are lucky enough to have been working almost entirely from home since early March. An area near Seattle was one of the first places to get hit by COVID-19, and my state and both of our employers have been taking it very seriously ever since. Working from home hasn’t always been easy since we live in a 600-square foot apartment. Also, there is a three-story townhouse being built directly next door to us and I can hear the pounding in my dreams at this point.
Around 2 pm, I go for a 2-mile run. I feel like some money diarists tend to toss off things like “oh, I went for an easy 7 mile run,” at the drop of a hat, so I want to be clear – running for 2 miles isn’t easy for me; it’s exhausting, annoying, sweaty, and generally gross. Also I am very slow. But it has kept me sane during quarantine.
Meanwhile, my husband goes to our local pet store to get an enzymatic cleaner (our cat peed in one of our suitcases… I think it’s probably a lost cause, but it was basically brand new, so worth a try) and special weight-loss cat food. Our cat is an 11-year-old rescue from the Humane Society and she is a chonky girl. We had to sign a waiver when we adopted her, saying that we understood that she was very overweight, lol. Our vet recommended a special diet food, rather than just restricting her intake as we have been doing, so we will give it a try ($78). My husband also stops buy our local wine store and picks up two bottles. We’ve been doing a dry January, so this will be our first drink for a while ($27.53).
I have a phone interview scheduled for 4 pm – just a preliminary interview with an internal recruiter. It’s the first ‘corporate’ job interview I’ve ever had, since I’ve been in academia my entire life. I’m trying to make a pivot into instructional design / training and development. I’m just excited to get an interview. It seems to go pretty well, but who knows. They tell me they will probably get back to me by the end of this week.
Evening: My husband whips up a random meal of fridge remnants – pesto pasta with sausage and a fridge salad with feta and bell peppers. It’s pretty tasty with a little Sauvignon Blanc. During dinner, we play a card game we call gin rummy, although it bears no resemblance to the actual game. After dinner, I make a chocolate cake with orange buttercream frosting and we watch Cobra Kai.
Daily total: $222.89
Day 2
Morning: Up early again, a piece of toast for breakfast (very exciting). We’re out of eggs until our Whole Foods order arrives. I’m working on creating some tedious but necessary spreadsheets this morning.
Noon: Our Whole Foods order arrives around noon. Excitement! They’ve given us a half-rotten bag of romaine lettuce and substituted pecans for hazelnuts. I should probably just double mask and go to Trader Joe’s myself (our regular spot, only a 5-minute walk from my apartment). I’m just getting anxious about these new variants.
I have leftover meatloaf and spinach risotto again for lunch. Lots of meetings and more organizing spreadsheets in the afternoon. Around 3 pm, I go for my daily ritual - a 20-minute walk around my neighborhood. It’s still raining slightly but I need to get out. Halfway through the walk, I get an email from my apartment manager telling me the apartment will no longer accept debit card payments, direct deposit, or credit card payments for paying rent. In other words, only checks or money orders (?!). Ugh. Our lease is up in 4 months and we will not be renewing our lease. Our last apartment manager was a gambling addict who may have been stealing people’s identities, but by God, he kept things working. Ever since they fired him, this place has been going downhill.
Evening: I check my bank statements to update my budget spreadsheet and realize that I have been billed the wrong amount of rent. They actually charged me less than they should have. I don’t trust my apartment manager not to start charging me a late fee or something for this, so I call them up. They are baffled by how to fix this, which you would think would be the one thing you would want to get right, if you’re renting out apartments.
K cooks dinner – steak with a Roquefort sauce and glazed brussels sprouts. It’s from a French cookbook we recently bought and it is delicious. I work on classwork for my certificate program while he cooks. After dinner, I do the dishes and buy the 13th season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I watch the first episode – lots of shocking twists and turns! I’m planning to watch the rest of the episodes together with my younger sister, M ($22.01).
Daily total: $22.01
Day 3
Morning: K has an 8 am dentist appointment, so he takes off early. He already paid for the work last month, so there’s no charge. I have a piece of toast for breakfast and get to work checking my emails. It’s 8:20 am and the construction crew building a townhouse next door is blasting mariachi music. I’m glad someone is having fun. At least the sun is coming out.
Someone at work has made a critical error, but it wasn’t me, thank God. I was the one who found out about it, but it’s still going to cause a big old headache for me. I’m ready to be done with this job. K and I go for a run so that I can exhaust myself enough to no longer be furious about said careless error.
Noon: I have leftover spinach risotto and meatloaf again – exciting. I’m busy at work but frankly, not a lot going on other than that. Still no word about fixing my rent payments. I’m not really willing to pursue this any further at this point.
Evening: I start making chili (Turkey Chili from the NY Times) and cornbread (from my new cookbook, Jubilee). K is doing some work on our investments when he announces that, somehow, a transfer was scheduled from our checking account to our savings account of $55k (?!) We obviously don’t have $55k in our checking account, so we start frantically trying to figure out what’s going on. Numerous phone calls later, we still don’t know if that was a hack, if my husband somehow mistakenly scheduled the transfer himself, or if the bank messed it up. Either way, it doesn’t seem like any harm was done since the bank with our checking account just declined the transaction. But it seems really strange and worrisome. We get to work changing the passwords on all of our accounts, just in case it was some kind of hack.
After dinner (and chocolate cake), I have a Zoom happy hour with a local friend. We occasionally see each other outside but it’s nice to have a longer chat from the comfort of our living rooms. We both love murder mysteries, so we signed up for a service where a company sends us letters with clues and we try to solve the mystery together. It’s a fun way to stay connected and look forward to something during the pandemic. The service costs about $15 per month, but I paid for it in lump sum for 3 months, so it’s not included in my budget above. I drink some wine and we vent about work (we work at the same place) before getting started on the puzzle.
Daily total: $0
Day 4
Morning: I sleep in a bit, which is nice. Get up around 7 am. My parents are both getting their 2nd vaccine today – they’re both in their 70s and I am so relieved. I send my mom a “congratulations on being vaccinated!” text and we chat for a bit. I have leftover cornbread with honey and butter for breakfast – soooo good.
Work is not particularly exciting today, but someone sends me a last-minute request for something that does not need to be so urgent. I feel annoyed. Still no word from the interviewers on Monday, and I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t selected to move forward. Too bad. K pays for a Wordpress website for the year (it’s a work-related website, but sadly his work doesn’t reimburse him). It costs $92.48.
Noon: The mariachi music is particularly loud today. I stand out on my balcony in the sun for a while and watch the workers. It’s been interesting seeing a house go up next door in real time, especially since I’m at home all the time. The workers are balancing on the top of the third story wall without, as far as I can see, anything like a safety line. It seems unsafe, but I presume they know what they’re doing.
We booked a cabin for the upcoming weekend in the Hood Canal region of Washington to do some hiking and birdwatching. I want to be as safe as possible and not go to any grocery stores or risk spreading COVID in any way while I’m there, so I place another grocery order with Whole Foods just for some special treats for the weekend. The cabin has a small kitchen and a grill, so we’re planning to make a fancy steak salad on Saturday. I order chips and hummus, some fancy cheese and meats, Tate’s cookies (I’ve heard a lot of good things about these), a baguette, and the ingredients for the steak salad. I also order a few staples I forgot in our last order, like sweet potatoes, more coffee, and half and half. It comes to $87.41, including tip, but that does include like $30 worth of steak. For some reason, I can’t order a small amount of steak online, so I’m planning to freeze half of it for later. (I include this purchase in our vacation fund budget, rather than under our regular grocery budget).
Around 2 pm, K makes a quick trip to our local wine store to buy an Oregon pinot noir and some port to enjoy at the cabin ($59.45). This store has an outdoor walk-up counter where you can tell the owner what you’re looking for, and he brings you some options (the store is way too small to allow customers to enter during Covid). It’s fun to chat with another human being, even briefly.
Evening: After work, we spend a little time rebalancing our investing and retirement accounts. We decide to put more money into bonds and a little bit into REIT’s as a hedge against a potential crash or recession in the future. Then I start making dinner – Broken Eggs (Huevas Rotas) from the NY Times cooking site. You basically cook the potatoes in a skillet in water, spices, and olive oil, and then sauté them to crisp them up once the water evaporates. Then you add onion, lots of garlic, and finally some eggs. It is delicious. I eat it with leftover cornbread while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race season 13 with my sister – we watch the first two episodes. It’s full of twists and turns. A note about this – we have an elaborate procedure for watching shows together developed during quarantine whereby we start the show at the same with an earbud in one ear, while FaceTiming. I also have chocolate cake, of course.
Later, I get an email that I’ve signed up for HBO on Amazon Prime. I definitely have not. I text my mom, who shares my account, and she tells me she signed up by mistake. I cancel right away and luckily they won’t charge us for it.
Meanwhile, K is doing an online Japanese language class over Zoom. He’s been interested in learning ever since we went to Japan last January. I lived in Japan for 3 years so I was able to take us around to a lot of more obscure places and he really enjoyed the trip – it was a blast.
K starts a YouTube yoga class (from Do Yoga With Me – my favorite channel) and I join him for part of it before bed around 10 pm.
Daily total: $239.34
Day 5
Morning: I get up around 7 am and we go for a run first thing. I prefer running early in the morning because there are fewer people to avoid during COVID. We do a different route today – it’s longer (3 miles) but has fewer hills. It’s a slog, as always, but I feel good when I get back right around 8 am. I jump straight onto my computer to start checking work emails and my husband makes us avocado and egg toast for breakfast - it is absolutely delicious.
We talk about how our bathroom smells distinctly mildewy (yay for being a grown-up because I guess this is what we talk about now) and we buy two big buckets of DampRid on Amazon ($26.60). I’ve found this to be a necessity in Seattle. Mid-morning, I take a break from work and start packing for our trip to the cabin.
Noon: I have leftover potatoes and cornbread for lunch, and my husband has the leftover chili. We finish getting ready to leave and head out right after lunch, taking a half day. The only problem is that I have attend a meeting at 3:30 pm, so we head out hoping to get there in time. Our cabin is near Quilcene in the Hood Canal region of Washington, about a 2 hour drive or a 2 hour ferry ride + drive. We are initially planning to take the ferry both ways, but realize that we mistimed the ferry departure, so we drive the whole way instead. Luckily, there’s little traffic mid-day, and we arrive at our Airbnb around 3:00 pm.
The Airbnb is beautiful! It’s a small cabin handmade by the owner, whose house is next door. It’s very rural, with a beautiful view. It’s tiny, but has a little kitchen and a waterfall-style shower with river rocks on the floor. It’s a great place to get away for a short time. Luckily, it also has good reception and I’m able to sit in on my meeting with no problems. My husband also does a little work, and then at 5 pm we’re free!
In our planning, we decided to get takeout on Friday night, since the little kitchen isn’t designed for any serious cooking. We call ahead to a local restaurant to order burgers (one of only 2 restaurants in the whole town). It’s around 5:30 pm and the place is deserted. It’s a microbrewery, but they tell us they haven’t been making beer since COVID-19 hit. None of the workers are wearing masks when I walk in, but they put them on when they see I’m wearing one. I pick up our order - a few bottled beers and burgers and fries ($49.52 including tip).
Back at our Airbnb, we watch Big Trouble in Little China and enjoy our very messy, but delicious, burgers (it costs $4.39 to rent). The movie is very campy but fun. I love silly action movies, as you will see with my other viewing choices. We wrap up the night in a very exciting fashion, eating chocolate cake and watching old episodes of the original Star Trek.
Daily total: $80.51
Day 6
Morning & noon: When we wake up around 8 am, the weather is looking thankfully clear and even sunny! We were expecting rain, so we’re really glad. We decide to go hiking today, and we head out before even having breakfast, with snacks and lunches packed. Our first destination is a hike called Mt. Zion, but unfortunately, we run into enough snow 2 miles before the trailhead that we decide to turn back. We don’t have any traction for our Subaru and don’t want to risk getting stuck on a very narrow mountain road. Instead, we drive another hour or so to the Lena Lake trailhead, a very popular and less strenuous trail. It’s about 7.5 miles roundtrip with 1200 feet of elevation gain.
By this time, it’s around 11:30, but luckily there is still parking. It’s a great hike up, and we run into relatively few people. We always mask up whenever we pass anyone, as does about 50% of the people we meet. The others… not so much. Around a mile from the lake, we start to run into snow. It’s turned into a beautiful sunny day, and I’m loving seeing all this snow! It’s a bit slippery, but not too bad. We make it to the lake mid-day, and it’s super jammed – there’s only a small viewpoint accessible, so everyone is crowded in there. I feel a bit uneasy with all the unmasked people, but we manage to find a spot away from the crowd and sit down to eat our lunch of apples, chips, and energy bars. There are a ton of robber jays there (Canada Jays) which try to eat our chips. It is fun watching them, but I’m annoyed to see some kids feeding them – it’ll just make them that much more aggressive. Bad trail manners.
On our way back down, we get stuck behind a group of 5 unmasked adults, who refuse to cede the narrow trail to faster hikers. I’m a slow hiker myself, so, to be clear, I’m not angry at slower walkers being on the trail but have some self-awareness and let people pass! especially if you’re going to go hiking in a big group during a pandemic! We finally get back down and head back to our Airbnb.
Evening: Back home, we explore some of the trails our Airbnb host has set up around his extensive property, and then relax on the deck. The sun is breaking through the clouds and it feels wonderful to sit out in nature and feel the sun on my back. We open up a bottle of wine and have a few pre-dinner snacks (more chips and hummus). For this night, we brought ingredients to make a steak salad. Our Airbnb host has kindly set up a charcoal grill for us, so we grilled the steak and toast some bread on the side.
We eat dinner while watching the truly terrible Jean Claude Van Damme movie Bloodsport and finish up the very last of my chocolate cake. It’s amazing that anyone ever let Van Damme act… or should I say ‘act.’ I also have a Tate’s chocolate chip cookie or two, accompanied by a little port. My husband and I are truly very old people at heart, so we finish up the night watching a few episodes of Columbo.
Daily total: $0
Day 7
Morning: Unfortunately, K had insomnia last night, so he sleeps in pretty late. I drink coffee in bed and enjoy looking at the view out our big windows. Once he’s up, we get packed up and write a thank you note for our host. It was a great stay.
One of my big hobbies is birding and K enjoys wildlife photography, so we go out to look for some lifers! (The first time you see a new species of bird). Did I mention we are very old people in (relatively) young bodies? We first go to Dosewallips State Park and see some bald eagles, great blue herons, lots of various ducks, and a flock of Canada Geese, which, strangely, includes a domesticated gray goose. He’s much larger than the Canada Geese and seems to be watching over them. It’s kind of cute. Unfortunately, a lot of the birds are too far from shore to be seen clearly.
Our next stop is Point No Point (I love all the sad & disappointed names that early Westerner explorers gave places in the Washington/Oregon coast), a popular birding spot. We see a ton of birds here, and I can understand why it’s so well-known - Red-Breasted Mergansers, Western Grebes, Common Goldeneyes, Pacific Loons, and a few others I can’t identify yet. Most excitingly though, we see a whole pile of otters! They’re lounging around together on a rock just offshore and a ton of people are watching. We watch as they all slip off the rock and go hunting in the shore. It’s my first otter sighting in the wild, and it’s so cool! We also see some seals and possibly a sea lion. It’s a great spot for wildlife. We eat some snacks (hummus, chips, some sliced meat & cheese) before we head out.
I really want to come back to this area another time and explore further, but K has decided that we need to get back home in time for the Big Game. We take the 3:00 pm ferry back to Seattle ($16.40) and get home around 3:45 pm. I veg out at home while my husband watches football. He’s a Patriots fan but he still loves Tom Brady (??) so he’s happy to see Florida win. I don’t understand sports team loyalties at all, but whatever, I’m glad he’s happy. We order from a new Indian place called Spice Box and get vindaloo, roganjosh, and vegetables pakora – so tasty ($53.96). Happily, there’s enough left over for lunch the next day, since I have no plans for what we will eat yet!
I’m really dreading work the next day, as I know that it will be obnoxious. I want to get out of my job so badly, but it doesn’t look like I’m going on to the next interview stage for the job I interviewed no back on Monday. I’m feeling kind of down about it. I try to stay positive and promise that I’ll apply for at least 2-3 new jobs next week. I bake up some frozen cookie dough I had in the freezer and feel sorry for myself. We end the night by watching another episode of Columbo.
Daily total: 70.36
Food + Drink: $395.23
Fun / Entertainment: $26.40
Home + Health: $26.60
Clothes + Beauty: $0
Transport: $16.40
Other: $170.48
Grand Total: $635.11
I think this week was pretty normal for us. Obviously we spent a bit more than usual due to the weekend cabin trip, but nothing outrageous. Our largest consumer spending category is definitely food and drink – we live in a very busy area of Seattle with tons of restaurants and bars so believe it or not, we actually used to spend even more on eating out. We still try to support our local places by getting takeout or delivery during the pandemic and even occasionally getting a few drinks outside. I spent more than usual on groceries due to stocking up for the weekend away.

Background

The NFL is the professional organization for gridiron football in the United States, and one of the largest sporting organizations on the planet. Boasting a yearly revenue of over $16 billion... you know, lets pause and put that in perspective. Video games - the entire idea of electronic games you play, whether on your phone, computer, or dedicated console - have a yearly revenue of $44 billion. That means the NFL makes about 40% of what video games - the entire fucking industry - does worldwide.
It is also deliciously petty. 31 of the 32 teams are owned by rich individuals who did not make their money through football. That means they're essentially owned by super rich fans who are not used to anyone telling them no. These owner superfans can fire people, demand trades, etc. And do. Imagine if you picked your industry, and had it run by a bunch of outsiders who knew very little about it, but had vast amounts of money and bad tempers. Oh and unlike European football with relegations, there's nothing to remove a team or force them to be competitive, meaning people making bad decisions can just keep making the bad decisions.
The result is you could probably make a subreddit just called "Gridiron football drama" and it'd be populated as fuck. Therefore I won't go into the minor things - the players who robbed a bunch of people but then bribed their way out of charges, the dogfighting, the guy who shot himself in the leg, that's just standard petty shit. Coaches fired after good seasons because the owner doesn't like them, total idiots left on for years, good ol' boys who never seem to quite depart the NFL despite no one having an idea what they're good at, the ongoing disaster of analytics (the idea of applying mathematics to a sport run by overgrown infants), no, no, that's for another time.
A good time. I'll probably do one or two more of these.

COVID and the League

The NFL makes $16 billion. COVID kills people. $16 billion vs. dead people. Hmmm. Dead people. $16 billion.
So we're having a football season this year. It's almost guaranteed to kill at least some people who are either involved or involved in outbreaks caused by it, but hey, life goes on. Or doesn't.
The NFL pays lip service to preventing the spread, which is the start of our delicious drama.

COVID Protocols - the answer

The NFL has instituted COVID protocols. These are insane. For instance, people on the sidelines have to wear a mask. Athletes don't, because you can't breath through a mask while pushing your body to its limits. They explored face shields, but nah.
So you have two guys who are literally laying next to each other on the ground panting for breath after tackling (this sport isn't at all gay). They are breathing heavily, inches from each other. But say those exact same players who have been breathing in each other's faces for hours celebrate winning in the locker room? That sounds like half a million in fines. Pay up!
There's no real describing how insane this is. The raiders coach doesn't like his mask so he's declared war on the NFL. The Patriots, Steelers, 49ers, Raiders, and more have been fined.
The masks have also looked sillier and sillier. This man is considered a football genius. No, he hasn't taken one too many shots to the head or something, he's just incapable of wearing a mask normally. God knows why. Coaches regularly pull them down to talk to people, thus defeating the entire point, etc. See? He wears a mask when he doesn't need to be close to people or talk to them he only pulls it down for short periods of time when he's close and talking. I don't see the problem here.
Half the organizations fined are appealing, and accusations of bias have flown back and forth. Angriest are the Saints, who are PISSED about being fined half a million dollars for having a celebration in their own locker room after a win after they passed a COVID test right before the game.
Does any of this make sense? Nope!
There's some more sensible protocols too. For instance new players have to test negative, then sit out in isolation for six days while the teams wait for them to make sure they don't have COVID, test negative again, then they can join the team. Of course isolation isn't that isolating, but that's a whole other matter. So overall, mixed bag for protocols.

Fake fan noise

Okay, so most games can't be attended by fans (not Dallas, Dallas said fuck it get sick and die) but crowd noise is a big part of football. Crowds cheer their team. So they pipe in fake crowd noise.
This is a little creepy but not too bad. So where's the drama? Well, lets turn to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. Their QB, Carson Wentz, has been having a bit of a down year. So to show him love, they piped in fake boos. At a home game. This is kinda how Philly fans roll, but needless to say this move drew some controversy.

Baltimore Ravens COVID

The Baltimore Ravens were supposed to play a game on Thanksgiving, but their QB might have COVID. Fortunately the NFL was understanding. A QB is the most important position on the field, and without Lamar Jackson, there's no way the Ravens could be expected to play. So the game has been delayed as they work the situation out. So far, so good.

Denver Broncos

Okay, so that brings us to the Denver Broncos. See, anyone who has COVID has to be quarantined, as does anyone who might have it. Even if they test negative for a long while.
So the Denver Broncos backup QB has COVID. And they had a long meeting with their QB and their other backup QB. And their other backup. In a room with no masks. They're all put on COVID watch list, meaning they can't play.
So the Denver broncos have four quarterbacks, and none can play. The Ravens have just had a game delayed. The Broncos get told... game on.
Okay, they look around for QBs they can get on short notice. But remember in the protocol section where they have to have new players wait six days? Oh. They don't have six days.
In desperation they ask the NFL if they can at least play their assistant coach. He can throw footballs, and knows the playbook. Nope! Not signed as a player, has to sit for six days. "But he's been practicing with the team!" the Broncos tell the NFL. The NFL decides to beat the dead horse some more, and denies them.
Thus the Denver Broncos try to figure out who on their team can throw a football. The answer was their practice squad wide receiver Kendell Hinton. Here's him throwing passes in training camp.
Uh yeah, he catches passes. Not throws them. And has never played a game. And last threw a pass in a game in 2016, in college. And works as a salesman part time.
Is this a total middle finger to the NFL from the Broncos, or just the only person they had? I don't know, but it's ugly.

The game.

So the Kendall Hinton completed 1 of 9 passes. These are the highlights. 1 for 9, 13 yards, 2 interceptions. The Broncos got drubbed by the Saints, obviously, although NO was pretty gentle with Hinton overall. There's a lot of "welcome to the NFL" defense strategies you can use against a new QB like blitz zero - basically an all-out blitz - that will generally crush them until they get used to it. NO kindly used none of that, playing pretty standard.
Of course Hinton couldn't beat pretty standard, because Hinton is a receiver who isn't good enough to make the main squad. It's not all bad for him. The Denver Broncos gave him a shoutout on their Twitter: https://mobile.twitter.com/Broncos/status/1333195716831838208
They reportedly gave him an ovation in the locker room, and gave him a the game ball. Multiple players have said they respect him, and they should. They weren't throwing the ball, and they probably would have looked just as bad. Gridiron football positions are not interchangeable, and QB is the hardest to step in to.
Fortunately Hinton seemed happy postgame interview, but damn.

Fallout

Broncos fans are furious the Ravens sat while their team was forced to play. Even ESPN has called this game "unprecedented in the modern era of football." There's a bunch of wagon circling back and forth.
Mike Klis a team reporter who covers them has reported that the Broncos other QBs tested negative before and after the game, meaning they could have played. Had they delayed the game they CERTAINLY could have played. So why did the NFL punish the Broncos and not the Ravens? Why show one team favoritism and guarantee the other a loss?
A big controversy is the NFL seems to be pushing "name brand" QBs. Lamar Jackson, QB of the Ravens, is one of those name QBs, and the NFL is pushing him hard as one of the faces of their game. Drew Lock, the Broncos QB, is not.
So this is adding fuel to that fire. Fans are convinced that people like Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, and Lamar Jackson are getting more protection from the NFL - refs are calling fouls if anyone touches them, they're rearranging schedules to highlight them, etc. These people most certainly increase NFL revenue, and the NFL pushes them hard.
On the other side, many outfits are talking how the Broncos broke the rules, and how the punishment was not unwarranted. Are these connected to the NFL? Maybe. Sports media is a bit incestuous. They can't just go report on some other organization if the NFL bans them or does mean things to them.
So this has drawn battle lines, and lead to a grand controversy that's still developing.
Was this interesting? Anyone interested in a writeup of the collapse of the Chicago Bears in 2020, the Antonio Brown saga (in three part harmony), or the 60 year history of mismanagement and ineptitude that is the Detroit Lions? Do you like reading about Gridiron football?

SVP and Cowherd only pick against the spread, so I assumed $1K per bet and -110 odds. To make it apples to apples, here are their winning percentages on only spread bets for this season:

1. Bill Simmons: 0.526, 30-24-3
2. Scott Van Pelt: 0.512, 42-39-1
3. Colin Cowherd: 0.476, 40-42-2

While Bill has the advantage here by actually incorporating wager amounts into his bit, here are the ROI rankings: https://app.gohedgetracker.com/groups/5fd8efce9d4745001726022e
​
Interesting tidbits from the analysis:

• Bill
  
  • BS was doing pretty good before tanking hard the last couple weeks
  • Teasers (-26% ROI) and parlay (-25% ROI) were the main cause of a negative result
  • Spread (+2.2% ROI) and moneyline (+120% ROI) bets were positive on the year
  • Performs much better on favorites (+18% ROI) than dogs (-26% ROI)
  • Has made the most betting on the Rams (+44% ROI), least on the Cowboys (-100% ROI)
  • Has made the most betting against the Eagles (+91% ROI), least against the Bills (-54% ROI)
  • Bill's full dashboard: https://app.gohedgetracker.com/insights/use5fa40a5d27cf0c0017e2797b
• SVP
  
  • Primarily focuses on college football (-5% ROI), but does better on NFL (+6% ROI)
  • SVP's main thing is betting on college dogs, but is actually negative on the year on dogs (-3% ROI), positive on favorites (3% ROI)
  • He is much better on home teams (+4% ROI), than away (-13% ROI)
  • Has lost the most betting against Texas A&M, otherwise spreads his bets around too much to learn a ton about his tendencies on teams
  • SVP's full dashboard: https://app.gohedgetracker.com/insights/use5fd817059d474500172601d6
• Colin
  
  • Cowherd’s record was impeccable on the 4 teams he bets on the most - Dolphins, Bucs, Rams & Bills (16-4-1, +50% ROI)
  • Has made the most betting on the Bills (91% ROI), lost the most on the Falcons (-100% ROI)
  • Has made the most betting against the Chargers (73% ROI), lost the most against the Saints (-100% ROI)
  • Performs better on home teams (+8% ROI) than away teams (-25% ROI)
  • Colin's full dashboard: https://app.gohedgetracker.com/insights/use5fd968e506d00e00177fe857

I seem to remember someone doing this a few years back and really enjoying it, so I thought I'd give it a shot with the condensed schedule leaving so many games on the schedule each night. I'm ranking each game in three categories: competitiveness, importance, and style points/storylines (which includes star power, the style of basketball, and any intriguing stories to watch). I'll include a survey at the end where you can predict the winners of each game!
Let me know if this is something you'd like to see again!
10) Milwaukee Bucks (1-1) vs. New York Knicks (0-2) at 7:30 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Milwaukee -11
Last Meeting: January 14th, 2020. RJ Barrett drained five threes and Bobby Portis scored 20 off the bench, but the Bucks dominated the Knicks at Fiserv Forum 128-102. The two teams combined for a whopping 79 points in the third quarter.
The Bucks have won their last five meetings with the Knicks, with the last New York win coming in an overtime thriller at the Garden in December of 2018.
Competitiveness: A championship contender that dismantled the Warriors by 40 facing the Knicks on the tail end of a back-to-back. Not much else to say here. 1.5/10
Importance: This game is essentially a scheduled win for the Bucks, and a chance for the Knicks to test their young guys and let them grow up a little. Unfortunate that Obi Toppin will be on the sidelines for this one. 2/10
Style Points: The high-flying Bucks offense has been off to another hot start, topping the 120 point mark in both of their games. The Knicks' young guns have shown promise and made so flashy plays, but they also turn the ball over a lot. Neither team tends to foul a lot or shoot a ton of free throws, which will help game flow.
Some might keep an eye on Giannis' free throw shooting, but the real story to watch is RJ Barrett's three point accuracy. He lit it up from distance against Indiana, but struggled mightily against Philly. Can he take a step forward in that department this season?
Bonus points for the MSG crew calling this game. 6/10
Overall Rating: 3/10
9) Brooklyn Nets (2-0) vs. Charlotte Hornets (0-2) at 7:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: NBA TV
Spread: Brooklyn -7.5
Last Meeting: February 22nd, 2020. The Nets used a third quarter explosion to turn a comfortable win into a rout as they won 115-86. Luwawu-Cabarrot led the team in scoring with 21, while Garrett Temple of all people snagged eleven boards.
Competitiveness: The Nets have steamrolled over their competition so far, blowing out the Warriors and Celtics by 20+ points. The Hornets have struggled with two losses to non-contenders, and come into this game on the wrong end of a back-to-back. 1.5/10
Importance: A contending Nets team cannot afford to drop games like this one, especially in the early part of the season when there are so many eyeballs on KD and Kyrie. The Hornets could really use a positive performance to get their season headed in the right direction. 4/10
Style Points: The Nets have stars all over the court and have looked like a juggernaut early this season, making them one of the most intriguing teams to watch, and a fun one too, as they've played fast and made lots of threes. Charlotte ranked last in pace of play last season but seems to be trying to pick things up. You'll get the Charlotte crew for this game on NBA TV, and they call a fun game.
Terry Rozier and Gordon Hayward are two guys to pay attention to- Rozier dropped 42 on a Cavs team that sucks at defending point guards. Is he headed for a breakout season? Hayward was shut down by the Thunder last night and will look to get things going. Plus LaMelo Ball! 8/10
Overall: 4.4/10
8) Golden State Warriors (0-2) vs. Chicago Bulls (0-2) at 8:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Golden State -2.5
Last Meeting: December 6th, 2019. Glenn Robinson III made the go-ahead layup with a minute left and a very different looking Warriors team beat the Bulls 100-98 in Chicago. Denzel Valentine was ejected in the third quarter for yelling at the Warriors' bench.
Competitiveness: The Warriors have been blown out by two great teams so far. The Bulls have been blown out by two mediocre teams and just played a deflating contest against the Pacers last night. 4.5/10
Importance: Both teams could really use their first win of the season. The Warriors cannot afford to lose to teams like the Bulls if they're going to contend for the playoffs. This probably still figures as a matchup of two non-contenders, though. 5.5/10
Style Points: The Bulls have lots of exciting young players, but they seem turnover-prone and have struggled to score. Neither team has been able to stop literally anyone on defense so far (lol thanks Golden State for taking Wiggins), so there's a chance this turns into one of those ridiculous shootouts where both teams top 70 in the first half.
Patrick Williams looked good in his first game against the Hawks, but the Pacers were able to shut him down. Watching him adjust to the breakneck pace of games and the new level of competition will be interesting. The Warriors will need to find other sources of offense besides Curry and Wiseman, and this game is a perfect chance for them to do so. Definitely opt for the Chicago broadcast if you tune in. 4.5/10
Overall: 4.8/10
** 7)Philadelphia 76ers (2-0) vs. Cleveland Cavaliers (2-0) at 7:30 pm EST**
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Philadelphia -6
Last Meeting: February 26th, 2020. The Sixers had to play most of the game without their two best players as Joel Embiid left in the first quarter with a sprained shoulder. The Cavs, then the worst team in the East, led the entire way and won 108-94.
Competitiveness: The Cavs look like a much better team this year as Sexton has another year under his belt and they have Drummond underneath. There's a long way to go to challenge the Sixers, though, and they played an exhausting two-overtime trench war with the Pistons last night while Philly coasted to an easy win over the Knicks. 5/10
Importance: Definitely a litmus test game for the Cavs- can they hang with Philly and prove that they can be that dangerous team no one wants to face in the east play-in tournament? The 76ers might be looking past this game as they have a big clash with Tampa Bay coming up on Tuesday. 4/10
Style Points: This game gives us two matchups between stars. Joel Embiid has been on a mission to start this season, following up his 29/14 against Washington with a 27/10 against the Knicks. His matchup with Andre Drummond will be one to watch. At point guard, Simmons-Sexton could be an even more exciting face-off. The Cavs have played a more fun style of basketball this season, using Sexton to ignite a high pressure defense that stole a win in Detroit. That double-overtime win might prove costly tonight, though, when they run out of gas against a deeper and more talented Sixers team. Bonus points for the Cavs having that really fun color guy, I guess. 6.75/10
Overall: 5.25/10
6) Minnesota Timberwolves (2-0) vs. Los Angeles Lakers (1-1) at 10:00 pm EST
Where to watch: NBA TV
Spread: Los Angeles -11
Last Meeting: December 8th, 2019. AD dropped half a hundred and LeBron put up 32 and thirteen assists as the Lakers won a 142-125 slugfest. The Wolves hung around and trailed by only seven after three quarters before LA pulled away.
Competitiveness: The Wolves are off to a surprising 2-0 start, including an impressive win in Utah last night. Most would write this off as a scheduled loss, though, with a back-to-back against the defending champs and KAT getting dinged up at the end of the Jazz game. Still, it will be interesting to see how this new-look Wolves team trades punches with AD and Bron in the first half. 6/10
Importance: The Lakers seem to finally be settling into the new season after a disappointing showing on opening night, and will be looking for another statement win. Some Wolves fans have speculated that they will rest KAT after his injury scare tonight. I'd expect him to play, but no one in Minnesota thinks they will win this game. 3/10
Style Points: Anthony Edwards going up against two of the best in the game? DLo back in LA? Upstarts against the defending champs? Top notch storylines for this game, where the first half will be a good litmus test for Minnesota, before fatigue probably sets in for guys like Edwards and Culver and the game gets pretty ugly.
Minnesota's defense looks much improved this season, and their explosive bench can keep this game fun. And you know what you're getting with the Lakers' stars. Unfortunately the NBA TV rights to this game mean most fans will get the LA crew and miss out on the top notch Fox Sports North announcers. 8/10
Overall: 5.6/10
5) San Antonio Spurs (2-0) vs. New Orleans Pelicans (1-1) at 7:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: New Orleans -5
Last Meeting: August 9th, 2020. The Spurs and Pels faced off for a high-scoring showdown in the bubble that saw the two teams combined for 77 fourth quarter points. JJ Redick went off and hit eight threes and Zion chipped in 25, but the rest of their teammates shit the bed and the Spurs won 122-113.
Competitiveness: The Spurs are off to a fast start, most recently squeaking out an impressive win over the Raptors last night. The Pelicans have produced mixed results, but beat Tampa by a more impressive margin and have an extra day of rest. Expect a close one early, with New Orleans having a sizeable edge late. 6.5/10
Importance: Both teams figure to be in the hunt for the final playoff spots and will see each other plenty this season as they are both in the same division. I doubt the Spurs would sweat this B2B loss too much, though. 7/10
Style Points: Zion put up a highlight-worthy 32 and 14 on Christmas Day against the Heat, and the Pels look like a new team on defense, making them one of the most interesting squads to watch this year. Ingram, Redick, Hart, and Lonzo can combine for an offensive explosion at any time. The Spurs can play kind of a bland style sometimes, especially with 35 year old LaMarcus Aldridge playing on a back-to-back. Dejounte Murray, who just posted his first career triple double and looks much improved this season, will be an interesting to player to watch today. This one feels like it could be a snooze-fest or a barn-burner, with nothing in between. 6.75/10
Overall: 6.7/10
4) Boston Celtics (1-1) vs. Indiana Pacers (2-0) at 8:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Boston -2.5
Last Meeting: Tuesday March 10th, 2020. The Celtics were the last team the Pacers faced before Miss Rona stepped in and put a stop to the basketball for awhile. Marcus Smart made the go-ahead layup to rescue Boston in the final minute after they blew a 19 point lead, and they held on to win 114-111. Sabonis posted a 28-9-8 night for Indiana.
Competitiveness: The Celtics have the rest advantage, as they got the night off to lick their wounds after a Christmas Night Stomping at the hands of KD and Kyrie, while the Pacers had to take the floor last night and beat up on the Bulls. The Pacers figure to be in the middle of the playoff pack, while the Celtics would like to challenge the Bucks and Nets at the top, and this game will be a huge early measuring stick for both teams. The Pacers will have home floor, which makes this anyone's game. 8/10
Importance: It's never too early to have a big game for playoff seeding! The Celtics will be anxious to prove that their opening game win against Milwaukee was no fluke, while the Pacers need to show us that they can beat someone better than the Knicks and Bulls. 7.5/10
Style Points: This is where this game kind of falls short. Tatum, Kemba, Sabonis, Brown, and others all provide lots of star power, but aren't the big names featured elsewhere on this list, and both teams tend to play slower, more defensive-oriented basketball. The Celtics' thumping at the hands of the Nets is more of a story for Brooklyn than for Boston, and Indiana has maybe been the playoff team that jumped off the page less than anyone else so far. Add in a game that's only broadcast locally and that overlaps with every other game but two and this game takes a bump in a packed Sunday night slate.
Still, this should be a very good game between two playoff teams, and a fun one to tune in for down the stretch if the Pacers keep it close. 5.5/10
Overall: 7/10
T-2) Orlando Magic (2-0) vs. Washington Wizards (0-2) at 7:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Washington -1.5
Last Meeting: Last night! The Magic and Wizards squared off for their first of back-to-back games, which was an exciting back-and-forth contest. The Magic had the edge on the glass for much of the game, which only intensified late as they pulled away and the Wizards started pressing and taking bad shots. Beal went off for 39 points while Westbrook posted a triple-double, proving that they can in fact play together just fine.
Competitiveness: Last night's game was a see-sawing battle for most of the evening. Orlando looks like the better team and one of the more improved squads in the East, if their win against Miami is any indication. Still, beating a team on their home floor twice in a row is extraordinarily difficult, and the Wizards get to regroup and see if they can fix their rebounding woes against the same team. Expect another entertaining toss-up!9/10
Importance: Both teams are in roughly the same boat: improved squads who will likely find themselves sitting on the edge of the Eastern Conference playoff field. They won't see each other again in the first half of the season, and to pick up a quick two games on their competition would be an enormous boost for Orlando. 7.5/10
Style Points: The Wizards have been playing a fun new style with Russ and Bradley Beal sharing the load on offense, and early speculation about how the pair will get along on the court has been promising. The Magic get the job done with comparatively little star power, but Vucevic has always been one of the more underrated players in the league and deserves some recognition. Terrence Ross and Davis Bertans will be other players to keep an eye on- Ross has been extremely hot offensively in his first two games, while Bertans is a streaky shooter who can be the key to Washington winning or losing.
Perhaps the most interesting storyline, though, is the back-to-back baseball-style two game series. College leagues are trying this out across the country and we've seen in leagues like the MAAC, Mountain West, and others how hard it is for superior teams to beat the same team on consecutive nights. We've also gotten a glimpse of this in the NBA preseason. This time, the teams are very evenly matched. How will the Wizards adjust tonight? What effect will the wonky scheduling have? 8/10
Overall: 8.2/10
T-2) Dallas Mavericks (0-2) vs. Los Angeles Clippers (2-0) at 3:30 pm EST
Where to Watch: NBA TV
Spread: Los Angeles -5
Last Meeting: August 30th, 2020. The Clippers knocked the Mavs out of the first round of the playoffs, winning Game 6 after the game was moved back due to the player strike. Doncic dropped 38 and Dorian Finney-Smith chipped in 16, but only one other Dallas played cracked double digits. L.A. moved on to the next round where they cruised through the first four games against the Nuggets and...oh wait hahahahahahahahahaha.
Competitiveness: The Mavs need to get their shit together. They posted a close opening night loss against the Suns and then got their doors kicked in by the Lakers... neither of those are alarming results, but they're not the mark of a playoff team. The Clippers are angry at the way last season ended, ready to take it out on the league, and they've looked like a juggernaut with Nic Batum in their lineup, putting up convincing wins over the other top two teams in the West. Doncic can keep any game close, but he needs his teammates to carry some of the load, and the Clippers are still the clear favourites here. 6.5/10
Importance: Dallas needs to show that they can beat playoff teams, as their schedule for the next few weeks doesn't get any easier after tonight. They'll face the Heat, Rockets, Magic, Nuggets, and Pelicans. They'll have to figure out who their second and third best scoring options are in the process. Both teams will be looking for a statement win on a national stage- they're the only teams playing in the afternoon tomorrow and get a national broadcast on NBA TV. 8/10
Style Points: Kawhi... Luka... PG13.... could you really get any more star power? The Mavs looking for revenge on the team that knocked them out of the playoffs by beating them in a Sunday Showcase game (albeit on NBA TV) in their house provides a great story to go along with the stars. The Clippers have been red hot from three point range to start the season, and a Mavs defense that allowed 138 points to the Lakers will probably provide plenty of opportunities for more fireworks. If not for the potential of a lopsided final score, this would be the #1 game of the day. Tune into this instead of football on a relatively light NFL day. 10/10
Overall: 8.2/10
1) Phoenix Suns (1-1) vs. Sacramento Kings (2-0) at 9:00 pm EST
Where to Watch: League Pass
Spread: Phoenix -3.5
Last Meeting: Last night! Sacramento jumped out to a 15-2 lead, but the Suns almost immediately cut that in half, and tied the game early in the third quarter. The teams traded baskets for much of the second half, with DeAaron Fox and Buddy Hield carrying the offensive load for the Kings, who held on to win thanks to some timely offensive rebounding from Richaun Holmes.
Competitiveness: Aside from the early flurry from the Kings, these teams were as evenly matched as they come, trading punches for the entire second half. The Suns probably won't shoot 11-44 from three point range again tonight, and the Kings will probably take better care of the basketball. Regardless, we're in for a fascinating rematch of two Western Conference playoff hopefuls. 10/10
Importance: Both the Suns and the Kings are exciting young teams with opportunities to improve on last season, and both figure to end up in that 7-10 seed range in the Western Conference. These two teams won't see each other again in the first half of the season, and the Suns cannot afford to drop back-to-back contests against one of their competitors for the last couple of playoff spots. The Kings, meanwhile, were largely overlooked by fans and writers heading into the season and look poised to outperform expectations. Going 3-0 to start the season would do a lot to quiet the doubters. Regardless, this two game series will likely end up mattering down the road. 8/10
Style Points: The Suns were the talk of the NBA Bubble in August and have continued turning heads with their opening night win against the Mavs. Chris Paul's presence at point guard allows them to run a better offense than "just let Devin Booker chuck as many threes as he wants and hope Ayton rebounds enough to let us eke out a close win". They're still a fun, up-tempo team that shoots lots of threes, and finally play some good defense if that's your thing too. Sacramento announced themselves as a team not to be slept on with their opening night win against the Nuggets (thanks Will Barton), and the trend continued last night. They've attempted the fewest threes of any team through two games this year, and their game plan of Fox driving and everyone crashing the glass gives us an intriguing contrast of styles.
Like I mentioned for the Wizards game, the baseball-style series also presents us with interesting questions to answer in this game (how will the Suns adjust on the glass? can the Kings beat the same team twice in a row?), and a nerve-wracking two games between two teams who are very close in talent level and playoff hopes. Perhaps most importantly, Phoenix's broadcast is the only one on League Pass so far that has figured out their on-court audio and actually sounds normal. Keep that one in mind! 8/10
Overall: 8.7/10
I also made a Google Form where you can pick all the winners of today's games... I'll link that below. Thought it would be cool to see how Reddit does predicting the winners. I'll close the form at 3:30 when the Mavs and Clips tip off. I'll try to pare this down length-wise if and when I do this again. Thanks for reading!
Pick the winners here!

Setting the Stage for the 2021 Draft

It's time to start looking forward to the 2021 NFL Draft now that we are officially eliminated from the postseason AND are picking at #4 (as of right now. I don't expect that to change much, especially given our final two opponents, the Washington Football Team and New Orleans, will be looking for either a division crown or an outside shot at the #1 seed in the playoffs). The big question surrounding who we should pick will be swirling for a while, with people throwing out Micah Parsons or Pat Surtain II. I don't think, however, that we will be picking anything other than a QB. Coach Rhule has already criticized Teddy a couple of times already.
As I've said before, I believe the plan all along was to let Teddy take the reins this year so that the team would have some veteran leadership, and then see where he guided us. Then, in 2021, the plan was always to take a QB in either the 1st or 2nd round, and let that QB sit behind Teddy for the majority of the 2021 season, and then cut ties with Teddy at the end of 2021 and let the drafted QB take over going into the 2022 season. (This is why Teddy's contract has a $21m savings if we release him after the 2021 season.)

The 2021 Draft Forecast

The 2021 Draft is unique because it is THE QB Draft. Trevor Lawrence and Justin Fields have always been the two favorites going into season, much the same way Andrew Luck and RGIII were obvious #1 and #2 in the QB prospect rankings in 2011. But beyond that, this year there is a load of talent in the 2nd and 3rd tiers of QBs that could all make franchise QBs. Trey Lance was always considered the "third wheel" of the group, and Zach Wilson was seen as the back-end of the 1st round guy. He's obviously moved up with stellar play, but so have guys like Mac Jones.
Now that we're picking 4th, I've noticed some posters say we should try and trade up to #2 and get Fields. This, should be, out of the question. The Draft Trade Value Chart is still very much a baseline for teams to use, even though it is now over 3 decades old. Looking at the Draft Value Chart, the #2 pick is worth 2649 points. That is our destination. Our #4 pick is worth only 2297, which puts us almost 400 total points behind the #2 spot. To make up that ground, we would need to likely give up our 3rd round pick to move up as well. Normally that's not a huge deal, but the problem here is that this Draft is incredibly lopsided towards QBs, which pushes every other position down the board. There are LOTS of LT prospects in the Draft that can be had in the 30-38 range (Leatherwood, Radunz, Christensen, Little, etc.) and even more LB prospects to be found in the 50-70 range (Werner, Surratt, Collins, Robertson, etc.). We can't risk that range of picks moving up when there's so much other value on the table later on.
With all of that being said, the focus here is on Trey Lance versus Zach Wilson. My guess is that most of you have only heard the name or saw highlights of Trey Lance, and possibly even Zach Wilson. I've been fortunate enough to watch a ton of NDSU games, and have been able to watch Zach Wilson play this year since the FCS has taken the Fall off, and Lance is preparing for the NFL Draft (sans one showcase game, but we'll get to that).

The Prospects: Trey Lance

Height: 6'4 (listed, will probably be closer to 6'3 1/2)
Weight: 225lbs (listed, though he'll probably weigh in around 220)
Age: 20 (will turn 21 right after the Draft)
2020 Stats: 15-30/149 yards/2 TDs/1 INT | 15 rushes/143 yards/2TDs
Highlights: Here you go
Pro Comparison: Deshaun Watson
(Before I start, here's a cool little video from College Gameday that ESPN did earlier this year.)
The numbers for Trey Lance seem weird when looking at them objectively. Only played in one game this year, and played an extremely odd game. But there's more to Trey than just his numbers this season. First, NDSU only played one game this Fall, due to the FCS sitting out the Fall sports program and moving to Spring. His 2019 numbers are eye-popping, however.
192-287/2786 yards/28 TDs/0 INT | 169 rushes/1100 yards/14 TDs
Those numbers are absolutely insane. Sure, they come against FCS teams, but even still, he's a man amongst boys.
There are times when it looks like Trey Lance is already an NFL QB. He calls his plays from the huddle, he calls his own protections from under center at the LoS, and then takes his snaps from under center and operates out of either an I-formation or a single back set a majority of the time. In fact, read this excerpt from ESPN about how Lance approaches the gameplan of football.

During game weeks, Lance studies hours of tape in preparation. On Mondays, he reviews the opponents' overall schemes; Tuesdays are for third down; Wednesdays for red zone; and Thursdays for two-minute offense. On Fridays, after cutting film the previous day, Lance presents the game plan to his receivers, telling them where they need to be in particular concepts.

That's right, Lance draws up his own gameplans for his receivers and their routes. So, yes, the NDSU offense does, at times, look like guys are being schemed just absolutely wide open, while Lance just throws strike after strike down the field. But it's Lance who is drawing up those concepts to get those guys free. He understands football at a level that most 20 year olds cannot even begin to process. Not even looking at his raw, God-given talents and athleticism, he understands football. A lot of the questions for players when they come out of college is: "can this guy operate in the NFL from a spread offense?" Even one of the major questions about Cam was, has he ever called plays in the huddle? Well, that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it is a question. Lance not only calls the plays from the huddle, he's responsible for concepts in each phase, whether it be their hurry up offense, their red zone offense, etc.
This is where the comparison to Deshaun Watson comes in. Yes, he's a mobile QB with a massive arm that can throw the ball anywhere on the field. But it's more about how intelligent he is as a QB, understanding the flow and motion of a game better than his peers.
There are obviously negatives to his game. He's not the perfect, polished QB that Trevor is, obviously. Sometimes Trey tries to rely on his athleticism to make big plays. Whether that's heaving the ball downfield off his back foot or throwing while fading to his right (something Cam had significant problems with throughout his career), Trey will need to learn to set his feet and not rely on being more athletic than everyone because, honestly, he's not more athletic than everyone in the NFL. This also comes into play when he's running the ball. Yes, Trey is fast. Like, VERY fast. I would say he ends up running a 4.5 - 4.6 40 time. But there are times when he lowers his shoulder for a boom to truck players. And he does! At least, in the FCS he does. In the NFL, he's going to have a rough time if he tries to just bulldoze someone like Lavonte David, for example.
All-in-all, Trey is my favorite QB for us in the NFL Draft. I think he has skills that are far beyond his years. He's smart, athletic, and knows football. He doesn't rely on a spread to just dominate FCS teams with up-tempo. Instead, he can slow the game down, then just accelerate past you once you've fallen into a lull. But he does need work, and I think sitting behind Teddy for a year will give him insight into the game of football that would be invaluable. And I don't mean this negatively: Teddy could teach him how to be a pro and take what is given to you, even if that means passing for 3 or 4 yards at a time. Not every play has to be a 40 yard moon shot.
Trey is also young enough that he could be our starting QB for the next 15 years if it turned out right. Think about this: Trey won't be 21 until after the Draft. That means in a decade, he'll only be 31. That's insane.

The Prospects: Zach Wilson

Height: 6'3 (listed, though he may be a true 6'3)
Weight: 210lbs (listed, though I'm not sure how I feel about that. He could bulk up for the Draft to around 215 or 220.)
Age: 21 (will turn 22 right after before the preseason begins)
2020 Stats: 221-302/3267 yards/30 TDs/3 INTs | 65 rushes/242 yards/8TDs
Highlights: Here you go
Pro Comparison: A much better Jimmy G
Zach Wilson is someone you've definitely heard of by this point. He has risen up the Draft boards, and, before the loss to Coastal, was rising up as a Heisman dark horse. Before this season, there was talk about Zach possibly hitting the back end of round 1, maybe even early round 2, but there were also some serious questions about his health, which I feel like we should start out with.
Zach has had shoulder surgery on his throwing shoulder from an injury sustained in high school. He said that the injury would feel horrible on Mondays after games. The surgery could help clear that up, and there's obviously no signs of any injuries when he's throwing quick strikes down the field. But, however, even bigger than that is that he has a torn labrum in his left shoulder that will need to be worked on. From that same interview:

Wilson, in his interview with BYU Sports Nation, added that he also has a torn labrum in his left shoulder that will eventually require surgery. He said he has been limited in his workouts, including not being able to bench press, but does a lot of workouts with dumbbells and resistance bands, typical to the routine of a healthy quarterback.

Not being able to lift is a big deal, though not terrible for a QB. As long as he is doing resistance training, he should be good. There's still some chances that he won't be able to participate in the bench press workout at the Draft, which could see some teams waver on him.
What does Zach do well to make up for the injury concerns, though? Well, for one, he throws at almost every arm angle. He has the ability to lower his shoulder and throw those weird, quick strike, side-arm pitcher style throws. He can move in the pocket while throwing accurately downfield. The "Moving Parallelogram" is a hard concept for QBs to run often, because it requires great feetwork and accuracy on the move. Zach Wilson does it with ease, and does it consistently. This is where the big comparison to Jimmy G comes from. Jimmy is great at shuffling his feet, moving out into space, and getting the "Moving Parallelogram" concepts to work to his advantage.
Here's the thing with Zach Wilson versus Trey Lance in the grand scheme of things. Trey is a dominant force athletically, being able to do everything and see everything... but the knock is it's against FCS teams. Zach has been doing this against the P5 teams consistently. He's played against Washington, USC, Utah, etc., and, though he does struggle in some of those games, he still has shown that he's tough and can play through pain and injury to get the job done. That's something that Coach Rhule has expressed happiness with, especially when it came to DJackson this year. Being tough and fighting through injury is laudable.
Will Zach need to sit for a half a season/a season to prepare like Trey? Yeah, I think he will. I think that Zach needs to learn how to make progressions from an NFL offense. It's important to note here that BYU runs a variant offense, running through the spread with motion, under center, 4 right sets, etc. And while Zach's mechanics are very good, I think that he needs to learn how to be consistent against some of the top level teams from an NFL offense. Make reads out of the spread and understand coverages and concepts.
Here's a really cool video featuring Zach's family, interviewing him on toughness and how determined Zach is to succeed. One thing that I really took away from this is that Zach has taken the time to consistently work with John Beck on his mechanics, and John Beck is a great example to follow. He's someone who has taken a path through the NFL, to the CFL, and has seen a myriad of offenses come and go. That's awesome to see that he's taking it seriously, and not just saying "well, I'm the starting QB of BYU, so I've got this in the bag."

[This is a long one, there is a TLDR at the bottom]
(This isn't just a story of revenge. This is a story of how revenge hurts both parties)
To this day, a good revenge story gives me a warm bubbly feeling inside. I believe it comes from this college experience years ago when I got revenge on my cheating girlfriend and it felt GOOD. I know I'm not suppose to enjoy it but I can't deny how satisfying it feels. Its probably one of my favorite feelings in the world even though I'm ashamed to admit it. So I decided to write my first post about this because I don't tell the story often. It is so extensive and honestly just makes me look bad.
I'm going to try my best to not paint a picture where my X looks as bad as possible and me as innocent as possible. I want to write this accurately as I can, even if it makes me look bad.
[Bit of context and back story]
At the time of this story, I played division 1 NCAA basketball at a school so I traveled a lot (weekly in different cities and states) and my entire life revolved around this.
During the events of this story I was in the early stages of a horrible drug and alcohol habit. Years after this story I ended up getting sober and joined a program whos name you can find at the front of almost any phonebook. I am sure many people reading this are also sober and will understand how we addicts/alcoholics can be. This story is an effort to explain a character defect that manifested from the events in this story that lead me down a very dark path, however, I don't mean this story to come off in a "self pity" kind of way.
Lastly, I was always a good kid, I was never "troubled". My upbringing was very difficult but I was able to keep an overall kindness in my spirit to other people and almost always "did the right thing" or "took the high road". When it came to dating, I knew people cheated in relationships but at the time of this story I always chalked it up to other people "not doing things the way I did". I never really thought it would happen to me.. I always thought that because I was a "5 star boyfriend" and my "amazing choice" in women, infidelity would never be a part of my dating journey. I was a naïve. I really thought highly of myself and also had a real arrogance like any guy in his early 20s I guess.
[The Build Up]
I was in my Jr year in University I had been single for about a year after me and my high school gf finally broke up after 3 years. I checked that relationship off as my "learning experience" and I now knew what to look for in my next girlfriend. The next woman I chose to have a relationship with I would most likely marry and start my future with. (I know I was young and dumb and thought I knew everything LOL)
I had my eye on this girl at my school [we will call her Lisa]. I saw Lisa around the collegiate athletic facility (the university teams training grounds, and locker rooms). Lisa ran for the track team and was damn good. The various athletic teams often had parties and I knew that the first one I saw her at I would introduce myself and try to chat her up a bit and see where it led.
Soon enough I see Lisa at one of these parties and we pass each other on the stairs. We make eye contact and she smiled at me. I sparked a conversation with her and after going back and forth a bit we exchange numbers. We begin the classic American style of flirting where we constantly just hint things back and forth indirectly. We slowly progressed the relationship in this manner for weeks. Sending texts back and forth hinting that we were interested in each other but also playing it cool to not let the other person know we had a crush on them.
At the time, she was on a break with her current boyfriend who was a popular player on the football team. She ended up leaving him completely to date me. This shoulda been a red flag obviously but remember, I had severe hubris. At the time her leaving him to date me just gave me a superiority complex. I was playing good in sport and if she was willing to leave this guy for me then she will never leave me for another guy.
Lmao I was a fucking idiot.
I cant express how much I was into Lisa. I was addictively attracted to her and had that weird feeling of "I cant believe my crush is actually into me to". I really was so drowned and blinded by my crush on her I missed so many red flags but our relationship began progressing really fast. Because of this I didn't really do a proper inventory on why I liked her so much.
[Fast forward like 8 months later.]
We are together officially. Lisa has her own athlete's dorm room but I was a couple years older than her and was working during the summers full time and part time during school / season and had my own apartment near campus and Lisa was basically living with me. She even would stay there when I was out of town which was like 3 or 4 days of every week because we were in season and the team was flying all over the country. Me and Lisa were deeply in love regardless.
At the end of the season I had planned two massive back to back parties. One was for my teammate's birthday (Friday night) and then my birthday (Saturday night). They just happened to be one day after the other and luckily landed on a Friday and Saturday night. Me and Lisa got drunk Friday night and had some unprotected sex.
Lisa kept a period-tracking calendar app on her phone. She was asleep and I drunkenly remembered she always marked down in her calendar when we had unprotected sex so she knew if she should be worried if she missed her period. She missed her period often because she was an athlete. My inebriated brain thought she should put it in her calendar now because we would forget the next day since we were so fucked up. So I woke her up and said "can you put in that calendar that we had unprotected sex". At this point it was like 5am and we were that 5am kinda drunk where you're mostly just tired. She unlocked her phone and opened the app and before she could even do it she fell back asleep. So I took the phone while it was still unlocked and proceeded to try and figure out how to put it in her calendar myself.
[side note] Through our entire relationship, Lisa went through my computer and phone constantly. She was very insecure and always had her suspicions. I didn't care that she was doing this all the time. She never found anything because I never did shady shit, ever.
Again, looking back at this its an obvious red flag I missed. Remember I thought this girl would never cheat on me.
So this wasn't one of those stories where I went through her phone looking for something and subsequently finding it. In this case I was innocently trying to navigate this damn period calendar while I was drunk and I was not suspicious at all.
When I looked at the period-calendar app on Lisa's phone, I saw all kinds of little markers on different days of each month. Each marker was a different color so I opened one to see what the color coding meant. I saw that red was obviously symbolling her period and then there was also black markers that showed when she had unprotected sex.
........This is when my heart sank into my stomach......
This fucking calendar was PEPPERED with black markers. It looked like a checker board with only a hand full of red pieces left and ALL the fucking black ones..... There was black markers on dates that I was in a different city playing basketball.... I proceeded to open all of black markers going back for our entire relationship. We did not have unprotected sex very often. MAYBE once or twice a month. She had written the names of the guys she had unprotected sex with in the notes section of the black markers. There was a total of 4 guys through out the entirety of our relationship that she allowed to penetrate her raw. Some months there was almost a dozens of those fucking black markers. Sometimes there was TWO in one day! Looking back on this I wonder if there were more unlisted men that I didn't see because she clearly only kept track of the guys and times she had UNPROTECTED sex.
In almost every story I hear of infidelity, it involves the discovery of text messages, being informed by a friend, or the classic coming home early and catching your partner red handed.
I, on the other hand, discovered a fucking well documented LEDGER of almost every time she cheated and had unprotected sex.
Amongst the 4 guys I discovered, one of them was her X that she originally left to date me. Cheating on me with him was a common occurrence. There was some other unkown guy she was also clearly sleeping with him regularly. The last 2 fellas looked to be just a one time thing but again like I said these markers were just the times she had sex without a condom. So who knows what the true story was there.
I sobered up real quick. I proceeded to look through Lisa's texts and calls and found nothing. However, at the time Android phones had a folder where you can see deleted texts but not the contents of the messages. She had THOUSANDS of deleted texts and calls but I couldn't see what they said but I saw the numbers and did a quick Facebook search and matched one with her X in addition to something like half a dozen other random dudes. The worst part was I found TWO of my teammates... one guy I was actually pretty close with.
I just put the phone down after a few minutes. The evidence was overwhelming. The more it seemed to look at the phone the more my insides began to hurt.
I felt so defeated. I cant fully describe the feeling but I'm sure anyone reading this that caught a significant other cheating knows what I'm talking about. I felt so stupid for trusting her and having no suspicions of her.
I couldn't stop thinking about how I regretted all the times that I had an "opportunity" to cheat and remained faithful to Lisa. I felt like and idiot for not cheating her when I could have. My loyalty felt like a waste. I know it sounds ridiculous and irrelevant to the fact that she was unfaithful. I think I obsessed over that because if I had cheated as well I wouldn't have hurt so much in that moment. All I could think about was about how much I was hurt. I would do anything to not feel the pain and embarrassment anymore.
[Question] Am I the only one who thought this way after catching their partner cheating? I'm curious about this.
I proceeded to leave my apartment and go for a long walk. I had never felt the emotions that were coming up and didn't know how to process them. My ego felt like it was literally dismantled in front of me. I wasn't sure what to do and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. My sadness quickly turned to anger. I knew I was gunna get my revenge I just didn't know how yet.
I was SEETHING with rage and wanted make sure she never recovered from this.
My roommate/teammate and best friend at the who was sleeping on the couch in my living room [we will call him Bono] (an eastern European kid who stood 7 foot tall and was as Russian in demeanor as it you can imagine. He also had an equally ridiculous RL name hence: Bono) well, Bono called me shortly after I started my walk. I answered and he asked where I was. I asked him to keep this between us, and told him what happened. He stays on the phone and goes into my room and I hear him in his Russian accent yell at her "yo bitch, you cheated on OP?" Then I faintly hear her inaudibly say something in the background and him yelling at her to get out of the apartment. After hearing some scuffling Bono gets back on the line and says "yo! she gone, come back and lets talk"
I head back home and me and Bono go over what had happened. Things don't get sappy because we are both complete alpha males who both come from cultures where "men don't cry" and neither of us really knew what to say or do in this situation. He makes his best attempt to comfort me and says: "tonight is your birthday, we gunna get fucked up and find you some sluts. Fuck her! I never liked her anyway"
.... oh ya, this day was my birthday... forgot about that part ...
Me and Bono go out for breakfast. I am still a little drunk. My phone is blowing up with calls and texts from Lisa. I tell her I saw everything on her phone and I cant stand to speak with her or look at her. She keeps trying to convince me to let her come to my birthday party and I make it clear I don't want her there. She clearly was concerned about exactly what Bono suggested to me earlier when me and him chatted.
Lisa's entire reputation and popularity revolved around the fact that she was dating me. I think most people didn't like her in the first place but put up with her because we were together. She knew that if I acted single at my birthday party and she didn't show up everyone would know something was askew. I think Lisa was more worried about being embarrassed than our relationship.
I don't remember much of what happened that night. But one of my friends sent me a little package for my birthday from California filled with some really good weed, hash, moonrocks, some pills and "the devil's dandruff" and I proceeded to do a glorious swan dive into an intoxicated oblivion.
All I remember is sitting on my chair at the pregame for my party. There was two girls sitting on the arms of the chair and I still have a photo of that moment and I remember it vividly. We were preparing to head out. I had a few tables downtown at a popular nightclub. The booze and drugs were the only thing that made me feel normal. I had my sun glasses on and clearly had that happy loaded grin on my face. The longer you look at the photo of me on that chair, you can tell I'm hiding a huge amount of hurt.
Sitting on that chair, the cocktail of drugs start to take effect. This was the first time I ever used substances not to "party" but to feel better. To make me feel normal.
I remember thinking: "I want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am never going to hurt like that ever again. With drugs, I have control and no one can hurt me again." Oh how ironic that turns out to be years down the line.
I told my teammates and friends that me and Lisa were done when they asked why she wasn't at the party. I didn't tell them why though. I also didn't show them that I was affected by it in anyway and just played it cool. I tried to focus everyone on the party ahead of us.
[The Revenge]
So this is one of those revenge stories where it was only half planned. I knew I wanted to get revenge on Lisa for hurting me so much. But I kind of just improvised as opportunities came up.
My original kind spirit had died at my birthday on that chair. All my morals went out the window. I never cheated in relationships therefore I believed I would never get cheated on. I realize now how dumb that is but that's what I thought at the time.
I didn't care what collateral damage I caused as long as my mission to hurt Lisa as much as possible was accomplished. So continued every day of my life with this new selfish mindset.
I was sitting at my computer later that next week skimming Facebook when I saw the profile of one of her track teammates on my feed. That's when I had my first vengeful idea. I decided I was going to attempt to get her teammates to bite the bait that I was about to cast out into the water. Though, I didn't have proof she hooked up with my teammates, she was clearly trying to hide conversations between them. So I was going to see how many people who are close to here I could "passionately hug". Luckily I had more options than she had when cheating on me. A women's track team is much larger than a men's basketball team. Also much better looking ;)
Lisa's teammate I originally spotted on my Facebook had a boyfriend but I thought: "clearly everyone cheats, lets see if its true". I proceed to do the little flirty social media dance with her. You know, the one where I like a couple of her photos, she likes a couple of mine back. I shoot her a message and BAM! shes at my house in my bed about a week later. I proceed to do something similar to other teammates of hers. All on her 4x4 relay team coincidentally.
2 of the 3 girls I "passionately hugged" had boyfriends and subsequently cheated on them with me which gave me some real mixed emotions. It stroked my broken ego and also made me bitter and sad. Giving me one of those "women aint shit! none of them are loyal" attitudes.
This is such a typical story of while fighting monsters I became a monster.
This actually became my go-to strategy because it accomplished two things in my fucked up mind. It exposed a cheater but more importantly if they were willing to cheat on their boyfriends they would:
A] be more secretive about it which meant the drama that would ensue when it came out would be elevated and
B] it made me feel better about Lisa cheating because it proved it wasn't me that was the problem. It was women that were the problem. (I know its fucked up but that's what I thought back then.)
I started to collect something from every girl that I hooked up with, like a bra, a pair of panties, or some jewelry etc.. (not for some creepy reason, but this is important later and was a part of my plan) Sometimes I didn't even have to try. One girl left a pair of very distinguishable shoes. I knew Lisa would know who's shoes they were. They belonged to the girl that Lisa's X boyfriend rebounded with after Lisa and him broke up which highly upset her because it was her friend. Now it would upset her more because that same girl slept with both of her X boyfriends. I especially tried to collect items if it was something that I knew Lisa could distinguish like a sweater from the women's track team with her teammates name on it. After some time I had collected a boatload of shit.
After a couple months or so, one of the Lisa's teammate's boyfriends found out about me and his girlfriend and it started a big beautiful dramatic explosion of series of events with her and her teammates. This led to all of them finding out about one another's promiscuity. The drama was MASSIVE. Even their coaches had to get involved it got so bad.
This made me feel so powerful in such and evil yet satisfying way. I fell in love with the destruction I was causing. (The most awesome part about all of it was that same week, the Athletics PR team had put massive posters of me all over campus promoting the next game. They were EVERYWHERE. Some of the posters took up the entire side of buildings) So Lisa and her friends had to see me all over campus every day while this drama was erupting all around them. I felt like a triumphant dictator. It was glorious and pathetic at the same time.
Their coach even proceeded to have a "serious" meeting with the compliance department and my team's coaches. My coaches literally laughed at her saying "this seems like and internal issue, but OP hasn't done anything illegal or broken any school policy so there is nothing we can do". This infuriated the women's track coach. Their team had fallen apart. Their national ranking began to plummet. Then Lisa's coach even got in trouble for being caught tearing down some of the smaller posters of me on campus in raging temper tantrum.
I loved all of it.
I continued to add fuel to the fire. Posting photos of me with girls, smiling, being happy every chance I could on Facebook and Instagram. But under it all, I was bitter. I was so deep into my new mindset I had already forgotten the kind hearted naïve kid I use to be. I hated my old self because I let some girl emasculate me. I was so full of self pity looking back it, its depressing. No one really knew though because I played the cool guy attitude in front of people.
There was even a girl on campus on one of the sports teams who claimed that she was pregnant with my kid after I pretended to like her the same way I did with all of the other girls on Lisa's team and soon as we "passionately hugged" I moved on. Its a long story, but it turned out she wasn't pregnant but the news or "press" that came from that further dug the knife deeper into Lisa's side. I left a trail of women I deceived and relationships I destroyed. I feel bad now but at the time I didn't care because they were equally at fault in my eyes since they were cheating on their boyfriends or sleeping with their friends X.
Quickly, girls became weary of me. Plus I was running out of "potential targets" (Fuck I was an awful human being then the way I was thinking) and I was going after girls that weren't even friends or on the track team with Lisa but were just around her in daily life. For example her classmates and as well as her own family. I even flirted with her sister who was married with a kid and I almost succeeded. She was down but her and Lisa's dad found out about it and stepped in and put a stop it all before we could do anything. Her sister was ostracized as the news spread within the family.
I wanted Lisa to know I was everywhere and constantly remind her how she fucked up. In my eyes this was all her fault and she unleashed this fury of chaos upon herself. She should never have fucked with me like that.
Lisa had to take an extended medical leave because of her depression and mental health issues she was experiencing from the whole situation. She was becoming suicidal. She even had to go on medication and lost TONS of weight. She began to look extremely unhealthy. The whole mess was torturing her and the more she hurt the better I felt. At this point I had already inflicted more damage than she did to me but I had become addicted to the feeling of power... I spent 0 time processing my own emotions or moving on from what happened. All I wanted was more revenge and I couldn't stop.
After weeks of ignoring Lisa's texts and calls she finally gets a hold of me by showing up to my apartment unannounced late at night. She was there to pick up some stuff she left from when she lived there to take home. She was actually a local and her parents lived close by. (She was still on her medical leave and no longer staying on campus but rather with her parents) I told her I would bring her stuff to her parents house that weekend but I couldn't let her in because I had "company". Which I did but it wasn't one of her teammates or friends unfortunately.
I then to take all the items I had collected from all the girls over the weeks. There was probably like 8 or 9 things from different girls including her teammates and threw their belongings in along with Lisa's stuff into big black trash bags. I took the bags to her house and then called Lisa's dad. I told him I left her stuff on his porch and to inform his demon daughter. Me and Lisa's dad actually really got along and he even took my side after Lisa and I broke up. But after all these events transpired he obviously had a negative opinion of me.
15 minutes after I get off the phone with her Lisa's dad, I get a call from Lisa. I answer because I want to hear her reaction to having all these other girls shit mixed in with hers. She was sobbing uncontrollably. It sounded like that half crying half mumbling thing people do when they are hysterical. She wasn't even angry, just desperately begging me to point to stop my tyranny.
I just smiled and baked in the glory of hearing her hurt. I responded "why were their other guys in our relationship? you mixed them into our relationship like I mixed other girls shit into your shit. Its perfect little ironic metaphor". I thought it sounded cool at the time and was real proud of myself. (*facepalm*)
I later found out from one of Lisa's friends (who knew she was cheating on me during our relationship) that Lisa was convinced I WAS THE ONE cheating on her because "I was always out of town." This doesn't make sense since I was out of town because of basketball, a very legit excuse. Not just randomly on my own accord. You could literally see my schedule on the school's website. I kept in contact with her constantly when I was gone but obviously when I had practice or team meetings I couldn't be on my phone. But she didn't have the logic in her brain to figure this out I guess. I assume its just an excuse she made to protect her insecurities about the whole fiasco or to keep face with people who knew she was cheating.
[months go by]
Lisa comes back to school from her medical leave and we bump into each other at the physical therapy center in our athlete facility building. I see this as yet another opportunity. It had been a while since I did something that hurt her and I was still hungry for more vengeance. I proceed to pretend like I want to rekindle things with her. She is cautious at first but eventually bites after about a week. We start to mend our "relationship". We proceed for about a month but I wouldn't call this a relationship. I forbid her to have any male friends nor is she allowed to go out and party with her girlfriends. I also need full access to all her accounts and her location at all times. It was more like a hostage situation. It gave me a sense of control.
Meanwhile I'm not being faithful at all. This was my plan all along. Finally, she finds out about me sleeping with a girl in one of her classes and we have a nasty "breakup". I told her that she literally knows what it felt like to be me when we last dated. Yet again, I felt Triumphant. It was just another chance to hurt her and I did.
[After this we don't speak for YEARS.]
I graduate university and move to Central America. She messages me while I'm there about a year after I moved and about 2 years after we last spoke. At this point my life has become that of a real degenerate. I was doing copious amounts of drugs on a daily basis and about 75% of my life was involved in some sort of illegal or nefarious activities. But I still blame her for me becoming the dark soul that I was and taking no responsibility for bitter immoral nature. I hadn't had another relationship since her and always had trouble because I couldn't trust a women in any capacity anymore. Even after years had passed, I saw this instance of her messaging me as yet another opportunity to hurt her.
We begin to talk as friends and even getting flirty with each other over Facebook messenger. Mind you there is literally many countries, states and an ocean between us at this point. I was planning a trip back to my old university to visit some friends. However I told her was different: I explained to her I was moving back to the city for a new job I was just offered. We decide to meet up when I get back and see if there is anything worth saving between us. I had put on my best acting hat and try to seem like I've put our past behind us. However I'm just as vengeful now as I was years ago. She's finishing up her last year at University and I make the trip back to the USA.
I meet Lisa at a coffee shop when I arrive.. We spend the entire night together. From her point of view it really looks like we had moved past our differences and what happened. We could actually work things out.
However I'm not moving back obviously like I told her. I am only stay 2 nights. She doesn't know this. After hooking up a few times and spending 2 days together, without mentioning anything to her about me leaving, I pack my things and get back on a plane back to Central America.
I blocked her on all my social media and communication outlets. This time I could only fantasize about what happened to her when I disappeared after she thought I had moved back and supposedly was ready to give our relationship another try. This time however it wasn't as satisfying as my previous plots of revenge.
My drug habit and lifestyle only got worse every year. 3 years later I was hospitalized and almost died because of my extended drug use. I was never sober a full 24 hours after that day that went through that fucking period calendar.
[Looking back]
As much pain as I might have caused her with my vengeful life, my new identity that consumed my old one was so tainted with a dark spirit at heart. I think I honestly did more harm to myself with my actions and led me to down the road where I had no morals anymore. Though I spent the entirety of this story telling everyone of how I kept getting revenge at my X for cheating on me, as satisfying as it was, I wish I would have spent an equal amount of energy healing myself from the incident. If anyone reading this is experiencing the pain that comes with cheating, a good revenge story can bring you some satisfaction but I hope you don't make the same mistake I did. Rather spend MORE time healing yourself from the hurt and moving past it. The revenge wont heal you. It will be a separate journey but could distract you from putting yourself back together.
Luckily I got sober and am sober now 4+ years. I even had another girl friend of 2 years cheat on me before I got sober but this time I didn't take revenge. I spent my time healing. I changed and only focused on myself and that was way more satisfying than the revenge I got on Lisa for cheating on me.
Now I'm married almost 2 years to a woman who is sober and man do I have a good life. I have a dream job and a dream marriage. Thank you everyone who read this. Sorry if it wasn't well written I never write like this but I have never told the full story in detail before and I got a lot out of writing it.
Mostly what I hope to get from this is to share my experiences doing horrible things but feeling an immense satisfying feel from it where its almost addictive. And morphing from generally a good person to a relatively dark evil one.. Obviously people have dark moments but I feel like my personality and psyche has never been the same since that experience. I'm looking forward to any responses to the people willing to read this shit.
[written by commenter] TLDR: OP dated a woman a few years younger than him in college, Lisa. Lisa kept a period tracker and kept when she had unprotected sex, while documenting their sex for gf who had fallen asleep, OP saw she had been having unprotected sex with at least 4 dudes since they had been dating. OPs roommate kicked her out. OP decided to get revenge. This started with fucking all 3 of her relay partners (track team) which eventually led to the team crashing. They also had bfs, so OP used this as fuel to say that women are the problem, not him. At this time OP starts going down the rabbit hole with drugs and alcohol. This continued on for a long time, and OP started keeping an item from women that would be identifiable to Lisa for his plan. He would purposely “target” (own words) girls close to Lisa so drama would be worse, and he would have more ammunition to hurt her. Lisa took a mental health break from depression, and came to OPs house asking for her stuff back. He brought it to her parents and put all the items he had been collecting. She called him crying and he reveled in it. Months later, they run into each other at PT and he convinces her to give it another shot, knowing its a game. Knowingly holds her “hostage,” no guy friends, no parties, no going out, all while cheating. They eventually break up. Years later, OP is contacted by Lisa and says hes moving back to their country for a job. (IRL hes going for a 2 day visit) and basically catfishes her into trying to date him again, they meet up and hang out the whole time. He then packs up and leaves without a word to hurt her again. After this OP goes down a bad road with drugs and alcohol, ends up in the hospital, and has another Gf cheat on him. He did not take revenge on her. OP is now married, and has a good job and has (presumably) been clean. He is also aware of how toxic it all is. I think that’s everything